Challenge : M is for Magenta

M is for Magenta.

Magenta - or at least my conception of Magenta - is one of my favorite colors. It is the color of a robust red wine, of pomegranate seeds at the peak of ripeness, of the piece of satin ribbon left over from an unexpected gift.

Magenta can be other hues as well. It seems to range from a sashimi slab of tuna on the sushi-go-round, to a deep electric pink worthy of a black light, to purple as a plum. I'm sure if I asked an artist trained in traditional visual arts, they would point out to me exactly which hue is correct.

I remember from a screen printing class and my years of making silk paintings by hand and even the one intro to letterpress class I took that Magenta is actually one of the base colors from which many others are created. For example, making purple in a screen print happened by overlapping Magenta and cyan. I mean, I know you can buy many colors of inks and paints. But in the old school way you have three colors : Magenta and cyan and yellow. Oh, and black; four colors.

Color Meditations

I don't have a box of Crayola crayons handy to look at their version of Magenta. But I like my Magentas rich and deep and pretty close to that perfect balance point between pink and purple, with one drop more on the blue side of the line.

And Magenta is the color of my healthy blood when it first is coming out of my body for a blood test or a timed bleeding test. Especially the bleeding test which is an interesting experience I knew nothing about until about sixteen months ago when my doctors discovered that I have a genetic mutation which can increase the likelihood of blood clots. So I'm on a blood thinner medication. But my primary health care is "alternative" (naturopathic, acupuncture, chiropractic) and we have a local specialist naturopathic physician who is nationally recognized for his work in cardiovascular situations. One thing I have to do - in addition to the blood tests every four to six weeks to measure the medication level in my blood for my MD - is to do this timed bleeding test with my regular ND provider every few months. The basics are that she uses a special lancet to make a small puncture and we see how long it takes for it to stop bleeding. It's not quite like watching paint dry - but can be. The goal is for my blood to take longer than the average person to stop bleeding - ideally it's somewhere around seven minutes.

So when I say that Magenta is the color of my healthy blood, I do know what I mean. Sitting and watching it bleed (and how much, for how long), I do see the color as it comes out, which is a Magenta when it first surfaces, before more oxygen hits it and it starts to turn more red.

M is for Magenta.

Grumble Grumble

In late 2011 I had "Saddle Pulmonary Emboli." That was scary, expensive, and launched me into many medical tests, second and third opinions, and, finally to acceptance that I have to be on Coumadin/Warfarin for the rest of my life. (If you weren't reading The Writing Vein at that time, I was hoping to get off the medication after  6 months, which is what the medical providers originally projected. Some of the blood work was checking hereditary factors and, voila, a genetic mutation was found. And that particular mutation is exactly the condition that Warfarin/Coumadin treats - this even according to a top Naturopathic Physician in this field; with my regular ND, the specialist ND, my regular MD, and a specialist MD all telling me I need to be on the medication, I gave up the quest to final alternatives; if alternatives were available for my particular set of mutant genes, the specialist ND would know - there were none.)

So, about seventeen months later and here we are. Two and a half months ago my INR (which measures the medication in my blood) was finally declared stable enough to go down to being only tested every six weeks. I'd been at four weeks for a while; but before that it ranged from weekly to biweekly.

On Thursday I sprained my knee. A simple and minor sprain. The sprain was not - is not - the problem. The problem? Internal bleeding in and around the knee joint caused by - yes, you can guess it - the Warfarin/Coumadin. It was (is) very painful. I couldn't walk earlier in the day on Thursday. 

And for those who know: yes, indeed, I was scheduled to interpret a play that very same Thursday night. Which I did. I hobbled in on crutches and my team and I sat while interpreting; there was no way I would be able to stand for 2 1/4 hours to interpret the play. 

After going to the doctor's office. 

I met with a PA I'd never seen before (one plus about Kaiser, there is usually someone available to see you in the office if your regular provider is busy or out of the office). He was great. I felt immediately comfortable with him. And he did good work. He aspirated blood from around and in my knee, which was extremely painful. But there was some instant relief, so the pain was worth getting through. 

Now we're waiting and hoping the internal bleeding doesn't return. He ordered xrays which cleared up once and for all that there is no break or fracture in the knee; good to have that confirmed.

Oh  - and a bonus. I remember my mother telling me when I was a teenager that I had double knee caps in my right knee. Yeah, right. Well, guess what - I do! I saw it on the x-rays today. There is actually another name for it - but that is one common name. And when the provider listed some of the periodic symptoms this condition can cause, I was nodding my head with relief.

This is not a good time to be getting around very slowly on crutches. I am also scheduled to interpret poetry recitation competitions the next two weekends - which I will also do. And I have another play next Thursday. I am planning on being there for all of them. The poetry this weekend will obviously be from a seated position; the play next Thursday might unless my knee is recovered enough to make standing a viable option.

Okay - there it is - my grumble for today. A truly minor sprain and very painful drug-induced internal bleeding. On the mend and looking for patience with the crutches issue.

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Radical Writing Advice: Taking a Pass

There are many types of "pass," I realized when I wrote the title for today's post. I mean, we all know that; but I had one of them in mind and as I typed and got a handle on what I was going to say, more "pass" definitions came to mind.

Language is good. It keeps us engaged and alert if we let it. It keeps us looking at more than just the words or symbols for the meaning, if we care, if we dare to go below the surface.

And I dare.

So. My original intention was to write about a "pass" as in: "No, thank you. I'll pass on ___________." Fill in the blank for whatever it is you feel obligated to do, unless you're ready to steep yourself in some heavy guilt or excuse making or having to make up for not doing the Big X if you follow through and "pass."

But as I started to make notes, I started thinking about other meanings of "pass," which may have some opposite connotations, much like the word "sanction."  That word can mean to punish or to reward.

To "take a pass" generally means to do something like "skip a turn" or turn down an offer. But a person can also "pass" as being something other than they are. One specific example I'm thinking of is in the LGBT/Queer community, a person can be said to "pass" as a member of a group even though they're not. Such as back in the 80s, when that community was still primarily called the "Gay Community," there was talk of gay men or lesbians "passing" as straight; or the stone butch women before that time who "passed" as men.

Sometimes to "take a pass" may imply avoiding a bad situation. Or avoiding getting in trouble by revealing something which is not supposed to be shared if someone asks you for information.

It may also mean - and here is where the opposition comes in - to take a turn. Such as asking someone to "take a pass" at repairing something. Which means give it a try and see if you can fix the thing.

Now that I've wandered down that side path, I'll come back to my original intent, which was to "take a pass" and let a deadline roll by without a submission.

Yes. I'm saying that sometimes we writers might find it useful to let a deadline slip by.

I want to be clear that I am not advocating for ignoring deadlines. And if you've made a commitment to an editor or a publication and you have a story or a poem or an article due, yes, do it. Your reputation and perhaps your livelihood could be affected if you just blow off a commitment. Although if you have an emergency situation ... well, you know what I mean. I don't want to wander down yet another side path. (Though I could, quite easily, I think.)

My point is that sometimes it is in our best interest to not put the pressure on ourselves and let something slide if there are not significant repurcussions. Especially if there is another opportunity.

One example is from the online writing group I'm in, the Wayward Writers in Ariel Gore's Literary Kitchen. Week before last I let the due date go by without submitting a writing for that week. I'd taken notes and worked on a story. And there were some intense and time-intensive things going on that week. To complete the story and get it in on time would have meant cutting back on sleep and not getting something else done and would have increased my stress level. So I let the story deadline for that week go by. Unattended by me.

Another example is that many publications, especially the well-established ones, have multiple submission deadlines. Often they repeat. If you miss it this time around, it will cycle back. There are exceptions of course, like zines with themes - that theme may not surface for a while, or The Sun's "Readers Write" which also has changing themes. But even those publications often accept general work. So, unless your piece of writing is for a specific theme, if you are feeling pressured and stressed to meet another deadline, maybe you can take a pass, as in letting it go.

I've done that with some general submissions. Places I want to submit but the deadline fell at a particularly hectic time or there were other timely conflicts. When I gave myself permission to let a deadline pass - such as a famous, well-established publications "short story contest" month, and they have that twice a year - it relieved the pressure. Yes, I missed that month's, but it will come back again. And it did.

So this week's advice, if you're struggling with feeling overwhelmed and stressed, is to look where you might be able to let a deadline go. Take that pass *for now* and swap it for the next opportunity.

Of course you are the only one who can make the determination if taking a pass will be less stressful or not. But sometimes it can feel good to know that you are in charge of your own deadlines. I believe in deadlines and they help me; sometimes more than I like to admit. But, like me, you may also find that sometimes not meeting that deadline really is okay and you can submit the story the next go 'round.

Try it. See if there is one thing on your list which can wait until later. Unless you have plenty of time and everything is perfectly balanced and you have no stress. Which could be true. Just one thing. Like the sales on computers (laptops, specifically) I've been tracking recently, the best new hot awesome "inventory sale" gave way to the "spring break specials" which gave way to the "mother's day sale" then the "grad sale" and the "dad's sale" - oh, I forgot the "Memorial Day Sale" - and the "Fourth of July Sale" and then the "New Release Sale" and now the "early back to school sale."

You get my point.

Except in the case of themes or special events, timely events, many things come back around. Sometimes it is in our best interest to "take a pass" on the current deadline and wait for the next. And, just maybe, sometimes it's in our story's best interest to let it age and take another look, as well.

Maybe.

Or you can look at it as "taking a pass" and letting the deadline go by, or "taking a pass at it" and giving it a try.

See which is most true for you and take a pass, your way.
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Spinach: The Culprit, Again?

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My health situation continues. No, I mean, it's better but the cause has been unknown. But now there is a root cause; it's not the whole story but it's the foundation on which the other factors built themselves.

A few weeks ago my Kaiser MD told me that their blood specialist recommended that I stay on the medication for life, due to severity and family history; the family history which was unknown to me until my health incident last fall. But, being me, I didn't like that answer. I didn't (don't) want to be on this medication for life. So I consulted with my ND. Who referred me to another ND who is a cardiovascular pulmonary specialist, nationally and internationally recognized who, luckily for me, is local.

I went to the specialty clinic. Did an intake. They wanted to do several blood tests and three of them were originally suggested through Kaiser. So tests were done (Kaiser agreed to do the DNA tests and one other; I still have to pay for them, but at least it goes toward my deductible). And slowly, over the past week, I've gotten the various results.

Almost everything came back good/normal or negative. Except for one DNA genetic marker. Turns out I do have an inherited gene mutation. Great. And further news from the specialist ND, who has all of this research and experience in just this type of thing is that - tada - I do have to stay on this medication. This particular medication does specifically address this specific gene mutation.

Sigh. Okay. Both my MDs and the NDs agree. I'm still working on acceptance, but I will get there.

Meanwhile, I will be working with my regular ND and the specialist ND to support my body systems to minimize the negative effects of the medication and to address some of the other issues related to this condition which the western medication doesn't address. Which will probably alter the dose of the medication (in a good way in my opinion; the medication can still address the genetic mutation, the supplements can take care of other factors in this process).

Okay - now onto the spinach.

You know how people say that leafy greens are good for you? I'm not disagreeing that they are good for people. I totally support them. I like them. I eat them often. I really do - yum. But, first of all, another of my favorite greens is kale. Which, if you were reading me  when this health incident happened last October-ish, you know that kale is on the list of things which interfere/influence this medication. Medical people used to say to avoid spinach and kale and those other nasty high vitamin K foods; now they say to eat them for their health benefits, but keep the amount steady so the dosage of the medication is stabilized.

And, see, leading up to the health incident, I was eating a lot of kale salad. And drinking freshly made juices with, yes, kale. And spinach salads. And brussel sprouts.

I still eat leafy greens every day, the darker the better. And have a baseline of leafy green intake so the medication doesn't fluctuate. There are other foods which affect it, so I have to keep a sense of how much garlic, green tea, red wine (any alcohol, really), tumeric, greens, etc. I consume.

One of the blood tests the clinic did was to check my blood iron levels. My level is normal, but very low normal. And there is no reason for it to be that low. Really. So, they want to get it up to about double where it is now.

But I eat a lot of spinach, I told the specialist.  Come to find out, spinach has an ingredient in it which, in some people, can block the absorbtion of iron. And some people may need the animal protein bound iron for it to be absorbed. Which might coincide with my occasional craving and need for red meat (I go for the healthier elk or lean buffalo or grass-fed beef).

Spinach = friend or foe?

There's a story in here, I think. Characters to work with. Or something. Right now it's a big source of discussion and appointments and thinking for me. But, soon I hope, I can turn this new information and new experience into something in my writing. "The Case of the Rebel Spinach?" or "Learning to Bleed Well."

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A Test of Wills or a Test of Faith

If this is a test, I'd like it to be done.

There are a few conflicting things happening in my life right now and I was getting a handle on things, having faith that things would work out for the best. Really, I was holding on to the belief that all would be okay.

I made out a scheduling/life template and believed in it; I just wrote it out the middle of last week. Then I found out some information which has the potential to disrupt everything. It's a row of dominoes. I was thinking maybe a house of cards, but the dominoes are stronger and can withstand more - so I'll go with the dominoes image. If X happens at VRS, then that has the potential to reduce $ by a significant amount. In order to improve the $ picture, I have to add more Y to the schedule. But if X is reduced and Y increased, it has to be exponentially increased because of some other losses which are attached to X. And if X and Y happen, then my template won't work. And if I try to stick to the template, then $ will definitely be decreased and some of the things on the template will be impossible.

Really. I'm not making this up.

Writing is on my template. More than I've been doing: dedicated, specified time to write and revise and submit.

Sleep is on my template. Enough sleep is an option with parameters. A couple of times when I've slipped below the minimum, I've known, my body has let me know that I can't do that any more. So sleep really is non-negotiable. No more 4- to 5-hour sleep nights.

Work is on my template. Yes, indeed.

And time off. Including trying to get two days off together in every week. Well, let's say most weeks. Which includes trying to get one day off each week where I don't have appointments to go to; not just time off from work. Time with friends and partner and time for fun. And activity: walking, swimming, hiking, kayaking.

This new news isn't good news. Not terrible; I'm not losing my job. But it's a really bad time and it's not just me saying "oh this is awful and I need to add more hours." It's real. And if the information turns out to be true, I should know within a week and I will have to give up: some time off, or blocks of dedicated writing time, or time with my partner, play time. I can't cut down the sleep or health care.

I had a plan. A good plan; reasonable. Reasonable for everyone and not just me.

And I think about people who wonder why workers lose faith and commitment to the giant corporations for which they work. This is one. There is no reciprocity and I keep thinking that I know that, but I keep getting taken by surprise. I keep thinking that being really good at what I do, going along with the numbers and the changing rules, being honest and dedicated to what I'm doing will matter; not in a kiss-up, brown-nosing kind of way but in a commitment to doing this job well. And maybe it does matter to the clients - I hope. But I keep feeling like I am just a number at work and a number which can be replaced.

I think about being flexible. I am flexible; I like some variety. Yes. But a good friend once said, "I'm flexible until I snap." I think of it like a plastic debit/credit card, or a piece of wire: you can bend it and bend it and bend it back again until one day it snaps; no more flexibility. I'm getting frustrated with the bending and won't snap - but I may lose some flexibility.

I want to hold on to the serenity I've found and believe in the good in people (and there are people behind the giant corporation walls, right?) and to hold on to hope that things can be okay without doing what isn't healthy for me.

Right?

So I'll just keep writing. Not just about this, I promise. But if I keep writing then it keeps moving through.

And I can retain my resiliency.

And if this rumor/threat comes into being, it may push me back up on that ledge where possibilities live and the corporation goes back to being the safety net and not a false sense of security.

Writing. Where life happens. Where the Chi flows and stagnancy is prevented.

And, for fun, a video as a reminder to myself and to others who may be living/working under similar circumstances. Enjoy!



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Rejuvenation

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Yes. I needed to be at the coast. I need to be at the coast more often.

Last week someone asked me how often I needed to be at the coast. My answer was that I didn't know, but plan to find out.

It was relaxing. Restorative. I slept and read and went online and walked, walked more, walked more at one time than I've been able to do for a while for one reason or another. And slept and sat and watched the water.

I came home last night ready to face the week. Ready to face another round of appointments and jump back into writing and asking for help instead of digging out my Wonder Woman cape again.

There are a lot of pictures I uploaded to Facebook. This is just one. One of my favorites. It was nearing sunset on the second night and it shows the Twin Rocks well, the sky, the water. It's mystical and magical. And it makes me happy to look at it.

More to come.

Today I ordered "The Mindful Writer: Noble Truths of the Writing Life," by Dinty Moore. I ran across it in a magazine I bought while I was at the coast and it looked perfect for right now. I'm looking forward to getting it.

I also ordered a Feng Shui "Good Health" jade charm thingy.

Writing and health and possibility.

I will be back at the coast with my partner in mid-May. And I may also have a day trip with a friend to the coast in May.

I think I've been missing the beach.

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Prescription for Writers

Okay. So some people might think, huh? What is this?

I guess I shouldn't call it a prescription because I am in no way a medical provider. But the prescription comes from a medical provider.

One thing that I would say all writers have in common is that we do a lot of sitting. Maybe no more than the average person (whoever that may be, I know, the "average" person is a mythical standard we're all held to). But we do at least our fair share of sitting. Or most of us. I'd love to see some creative ways writers deal with the sitting.

Elevated desks. Hydraulic desks which can be raised and lowered as desired or needed, from sitting level to standing level to fit ball level to, whatever. Or voice to text software which lets you walk and write your novel at the same time.

But, in general, I'd say that writers sit a lot.

So - this video is for us. It's not just for writers, of course. Receptioninsts. bankers, tax accountants, telemarketers, video relay interpreters, and so on. For anyone who sits a lot, really.

I really like this video - in style, information presented, attitude, and method. Good information.



. And I love the 23 1/2 hours.... Yes.
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Decerebralization - The Timing Couldn't Be Better

The online writing workshop with Inga Muscio, through Ariel Gore's Literary Kitchen, is about to begin. I'm excited to try something new. I will continue with Ariel and it will be lovely. And this timing is perfect for me to take on the challenge that will be Inga's assignments. I just wrote my introduction to the online classroom and will paste it below, rather than starting from scratch. It's taken me quite a while to get my introduction to say what I want it to say.

I will be continuing with the regular Lit Star Training - but was ready for a bit of "shaking up." And what better time than now, when other things have been altered. When I've reached a place in my personal growth of trying to be more subjective (and it is still "trying" at this point; sometimes I still grapple with what that even means - it is so far removed from how I grew up).

Here is the introduction to A Study in Decerebralization with Inga Muscio from the class announcement:

"Thinking is nice. I think we can all agree that thinking is an important part of writing. To write from your heart, however, a lot of the thinking business has to be set aside. How to achieve this when everything we have learned about writing involves thinking? This thinking business also eventually gives you false expectations that you and your writing can probably never live up to.

For everyone who can churn out reportage, no problemo, but struggles with just letting go and belting out some genius from your heart and soul, for everyone with a mean-spirited bitch of an inner editor, for everyone with a so many truckloads of memories that you constantly set aside until they gridlock the byways of your heart, our Study in Decerebralization if for you. "

And my class intro:

I'm Dot and a regular in the regular Kitchen. And I just completed my first two-week intensive with Ariel. And in November completed writing my 4th consecutive NaNoWriMo 50k+ in 30 days. Meaning - I like challenges.

So I look at Inga's questions and as I paste them in here to respond to in a logical way I think: THAT. That is why I'm here.

I'm attracted to this class because I live in my head a lot and "decerebralization" resonated.

There are things in my life pulling me into my body, pulling me to live from the inside outward instead of being constrained by others' expectations or limitations or shoulds. A recent health issue challenged me to be more aware of my physical presence and simultaneously take more cerebral action in terms of test results, treatment options, monitoring certain foods and so on. So "decerebralizing" is what I need right now, what I want, as I practice living more subjectively.     

I've been writing a lot - in spurts between interpreting plays or between regular interpreting jobs or after grading students' work and visits with practitioners. But when I look at my writing - when I look at Ariel's intensive and I look at NaNoWriMo - I have to admit that I write more and I write better when I write more frequently.

So, in an effort to write more often, which to me means taking time away from available freelance and part-time job working hours, I need to shake things up a bit. Reprioritize. Stop overthinking and write more. Let go. Belt it out, yes. Stop trying so hard to do the right thing or be nice or worry if it's enough/good enough/worthy of being read/blahblahblah. Write it. Yes.

That's my goal - to keep writing, write more, and try something new. I love Inga's books and there is a different energy from how I write and I want to try it.

One pasted-in question I will leave, as I need to respond directly *grin.* Are you a practical, logical thinking person [YES] who feels {deeply - I wouldn't say "deeply" exactly} challenged [oh, yeah, mostly positive, edgy challenge] by this class, or is it easy for you to throw caution to the wind [nope - almost never - but I want to be that person] and break free from social barriers [uh, no - not totally, though a little, sometimes *ahem*]?

...oh, and to have delirious fun writing ... I liked that in the description of the class and it was the second hook, right after "decerebralization"...

Grand Canyon 2010; photo JD Sampson

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I Didn't Drown

That seems like an odd title for a post. But it's true.

Two events yesterday where there was the possibility of drowning.

One - as silly as this may seem - was that I went swimming for the first time since the medical incident at the beginning of October. Since the incident involved breathing issues, this was not a totally random or unrelated thought. When you add in the fact that I passed out due to overexertion in my at-that-time unknown medically compromised state, which cut off oxygen/blood supply and which is what finally got me to the hospital - the fear of drowning in the pool due to breathing issues was not out of the blue. A little paranoid, probably - I'm breathing much better - but I realized my fear and just made sure there was someone else in the pool. And to not push beyond what I could do.

Two - was a metaphorical drowning. As in being unable to write the Intensive writing assignment and work on today's regular Wayward assignment. And give Intensive feedback. But I did! And I even wrote extra and had to edit it down. And I wrote the beginning of something else for today's Intensive story - which went in a totally unexpected direction.

It was a good day. I think I've found a creative stride and I'm exploring where the difference came from. Two days ago I was totally blocked and no words would come.

Now look at me. Swimming in water and words and keeping afloat. And happy.
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Creating Language

I'm catching up on grading student papers. I'm teaching a practicum course, where students are in "live" placements, practicing interpreting and everything which goes with that - but there is no Deaf client/consumer. Each week the students turn in journals - which provide them a place to reflect on their process, give me a picture of what's happening in their placements (I can't be in all of the placements all the time, of course), and it's a place for us to dialogue about their process.

I got behind with the medical situation.

So I'm grading. And grading more. And getting caught up little by little.

Tonight I was inserting a comment for a student and hit save. Then went back to review what I wrote before submitting it back to her.

Thanks to the word program's spell/grammar check, some things stick out.

Including a new word I invented. But I like it. It actually describes the student's dilemma very well and it's a word I could use.

Of course I changed it to the word I intended. But I think I'll save this word for my own future use. Don't be surprised if it shows up in a story!

My new word?

Fustered. (Yes, I meant flustered. But I really like fustered!)
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Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Feeling Humbled By Recent Events

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elated by the news that I am done with the injections
and can skip today's planned trip to the lab
for another blood draw

nod my head to the phone when the pro-time nurse tells me
today 4 pills, tomorrow 3 pills
then we'll see
no lab today but yes tomorrow

another call from my insurance/care-center needing
to schedule a test with a long intimidating name
the test requires
no prep
it's another examination in an attempt to determine
why I
an otherwise healthy person who was at low risk
for this event -
why
it happened

I don't want anything more to be wrong and
everything points to everything being fine
except
these two spots
on the CT exam
which stole my breath away

the doctors want to know why
I just want them to go away
I just want to return to
normal, my normal

breathing returns
energy is still lagging
stairs are so much easier
and each day I meditate with hand mudras
visualize
my body's terror when I couldn't breathe
washing away
breath
calm
spots dissolving or being absorbed; shrinking

recovering

grateful to be alive
grateful for this strong body and organs
which kept going and are
healing
grateful for my partner
my friends
my life

and sleep
which I think is my greatest healer

breath
strength
returning
.
a word
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My Word For Today

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G r a t i t u d e

detail of silk painting by Dot.

While searching on the internet for a graphic
I discovered a spiral being used to symbolize
Gratitude
and remembered my own painting, with spirals.

GRATITUDE

by Mary Oliver, West Wind: Poems and Prose Poems

Houghton Mifflin, Boston (1997), p. 35


I was walking the field,
in the fatness of spring
the field was flooded with water, water stained black,
black from the tissues of leaves, oak mostly, but also
beech, also
blueberry, bay.
Then the big hawk rose. In her eyes
I could see how thoroughly she
hated me. And there was her nest, like a round raft

with three white eggs in it, just

above the black water.

* * *

She floats away..................Halfway to my knees
climbs the invisible air..........in the black water
on her masculine wings........I look up

then glides back..................I cannot stop looking up

agitated responsible............how much time has passed
climbs again angry..............I can hardly see her now

does not look at me...........swinging in that blue blaze.

* * *

There are days when I rise from my desk desolate.
There are days when the field water and the slender grasses
......and the wild hawks
have it all over the rest of us

whether or not they make clear sense, ride the beautiful
long spine of grammar, whether or not they rhyme.
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It's Comparable to the Week After the Play Closes

I have a lot of experience with the let down after a play I've been working on closes. Sometimes even when I'm interpreting plays, I go through that withdrawal. That "what do I do with my time."

No, that's not true any more - I no longer wonder what to do with my time. There is always something more to be done.

But on top of the "getting back to reality" without the memoir and without T:BA:11, there were a couple of family issues which were raised. Not my current family - but family of origin. And how funny - since they are included in the memoir. And childhood asthma seems to have resurfaced - which I hope is very temporary, though there were a few times when I was doing all the walking that it was slightly triggered - with speed and a big push, but not to this extent; it is getting better day by day and I hope it goes away soon.

The biggest thing, though, is that "which way do I go" feeling - like Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner. I've completed the big project - and there's another on waiting, and another NaNoWriMo on the horizon. And have the Lit Star Training assignments. And I lost touch with submissions other than working on the memoir for the past nearly three months.

So the question now is "what do I write?"  no worries - probably just need a little bit of "floating" time to let the stories percolate.

*

UPDATE: I started this post three, no four, days ago. I stalled. I did get some writing done - including following Ariel's permission to "write the worst shit in America" for one of this week's quick write. Okay - no maybe not the worst, I've done worse, but it was bad. I did also manage to write something for last week's assignment, which turned out okay - but it was incomplete and I ran out of time.

But I wrote!

And here I am writing, again. Though.

No, not "though" but writing in spite of. I've been more inwardly focused this week.

The asthma symptoms have cleared almost completely - though not all.  I've been working it from different angles - or layers is more accurate. A holistic approach for a whole-is-me condition. Interesting.

Unraveling and re-raveling. Finding new layers to process and emotions to release. Meanings. Feelings.

Listening. To my life and my body.

Making notes and noting insights or inspirations or sparks. Images. Words. Phrases.

Creativity is still happening.

Words still tumbling into each other.

And after a big push tomorrow to complete another tedious task - totally uncreative (no, students, if you're reading this, it doesn't mean you - although I do owe you some information tomorrow and you will get it; this other thing is really really about as dry and tedious as it gets) - then, writing will happen.

Look! I wrote some more. And I will post before another week passes by.
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A Time of Change and Wonder

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My massage therapist, Cydney, moved away last week; she closed her practice the week before that. I've known for a month that she was leaving and was able to get one final visit with her in her last week. She was amazingly gifted, insightful, intuitive and had helped me so much over the years I'd been seeing her.

My previous massage therapist, Simone, who I'd been working with for a number of years - first as a colleague at the health care clinic, then as my massage therapist - committed suicide. She was also very sensitive and intuitive, but she didn't have the tools to protect herself and there are many details I don't know. She went through a tough time due to a mental health condition and took time off work. She went back to a small private practice and not too long afterward, she killed herself. It was traumatic for many in our community. Many questions, no answers.

I got a referral to Cydney from someone I trust; Cydney has been an amazing massage therapist/body worker. So, while the transition to a new LMT was unexpected and the circumstances were emotionally hard, all turned out well.

Cydney's reasons for leaving are vastly different - she is very much alive and thriving. And it was still unexpected and I wasn't ready to change. But she did give me some names of other massage therapists in the area, told me about how they work and gave me recommendations. She put a lot of time and thought into making good referral matches for her clients.

I talked to Cydney's top two referrals for me on the phone. I'd scheduled an appointment with the first person - but after I talked with the second LMT, it "felt right" - more right than the first person, whom I'm sure is skilled and would do good work (and was highly recommended by Cydney, too).

So the end of last week I went for the appointment with the new LMT, Daria, and - wow. Her work was amazing. I feel that she was definitely the right choice for me and all of my nervousness about starting over with someone new has dissipated. I think this new bodywork experience is going to take me into a new direction and a new relationship with my body. I would have happily continued with Cydney and am going to miss her - and this feels like a right and good transition.

And I also would like to tell Cydney "thank you," for allowing me the opportunity to heal from my transition to her by providing an opportunity to transition out to a new LMT in a healthy, thoughtful, and respectful way. I don't blame Simone - I know she suffered and she did a lot of good for a lot of people, she was very kind and loving and caring, almost too much so for her own good; but it was hard to lose her as a friend and provider. I didn't realize there was a little residue of the loss of Simone until Cydney told me she was moving away; now I feel I've had the opportunity to heal that residue.

I'm not exactly clear how this relates to writing at this moment - except that it is another life lesson. And don't all life lessons help the writers and artists and dancers and actors? Even the CEOs if they'll listen, and anyone with a creative bone in their body?

Maybe this lesson, for me, is about being open to change. That saying about one door closing is the opportunity to open a new door. I know that's my own spin on the words, but that's how it is for me. Because I have been locked in the old place, shut in the room feeling like there is no way out, worried that if XYZ falls apart/falls through/breaks down then my whole life-system will crash and I'll have nothing.

So maybe now is the time to take this example and say, okay. There are options. Even tragedy, like Simone's death, can lead to a new opportunity. And sadness, like Cydney leaving town, can turn out to be an opportunity for growth and change I didn't even know was possible or needed.

And I wonder about other opportunities - presented or not yet, taken or avoided, how a loss is actually an opening to something else.

I have an application in for a program (IPRC's printing & publishing for writers) and am waiting for an answer; the deadline isn't until July 30th - I applied early. I really want to do this program - and I have this amazing clarity that whatever their decision, it will be the right thing for me right now. Yes, I want it; yes, I'm hoping they accept me; yes, it would be absolutely great and there would be so many opportunities opened up because of this new knowledge and skill set. And, if the answer is "not now" - I will be okay and there will be reason.
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People Drift In and Out and I Can't Control the Tide

I've written here about the ghosts I can't escape as I work on my memoir. The ghosts who appear in my life now are not necessarily the same ghosts who are in the memoir. Though some are. And the ghosts aren't all bad.

People come and people go and that is life. I know.

I write about real people and fictional people and people in between. People who fit the pop label of hybrid. Is he real or is he creative non-fiction?

And people who drop out of my life show up.

And people important to me, who've helped me get through positive changes, who've nurtured and supported and helped me heal ... well, they have lives, too. Sometimes they move on. And that is right.

And I have feelings about the change. I wish them well. I truly do. And I am grateful for the time we had together.

I found out today that I my massage therapist/Cranial Sacral provider is moving away in a month or so. She is an amazing healer and from what I heard she has an amazing opportunity in the new location. I wish her well and I appreciate the time I was able to have with her. She has incredible skills as a body worker and I learned so much from her, and she introduced me to PICA's T:BA and re-introduced me to my love and body-connection to dance. I can't say enough about what I feel I owe her and all of my gratitude for the years she's been there for me.

And, no, I don't want to start over with someone new. But I will trust her recommendation, as I trusted the person who recommended her to me.

And I will continue writing about my ghosts and their images, about what happened and what probably happened based on what I do know.

There are many types of gratitude. And I want to say thank you to some of the hard times for making me stronger, to the universe for getting me out alive and whole. And a big thank you to Cydney, as well as the other healers and healing partners who've been there for me over the years.

I'm glad I have another month with Cydney and an appointment next week. And I'll try to get in one more.

And I write. Remembering the past. Writing from the present. Finding healing and balance toward the future.



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"Live Once, Juicy" & "Defiant Athlete"

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Thanks to a writing friend, Rooze, (who is also an amazing photographer, and a great person in general) I found this great website/blog called "Live Once, Juicy." This is a member of Rooze's writing cohort, and the author is also what she calls a "Defiant Athlete." You can click on the website to read more about her projects and goals - and I'm finding it very inspirational. It's helping me find my way back to my earlier fitness goals, I think.

Fitness for the sake of being fit. Not getting derailed by a series of things that I haven't written about here and have barely written about anywhere. I will, at some point. But for now, I'm working on overcoming being triggered, of feeling betrayed, of losing the fitness path I was on and where I felt good.

Thanks, Shaunta, for starting this. Thanks, Rooze, for posting this where I'd see it. Thanks, Tristy, for this amazing and inspiring video below.

exercise and illness advice

Found this interesting helpful hint while looking for something else...

For immediate release

November 15, 2010

Contact:
Dan Henkel (317) 637-9200, ext. 127 (dhenkel@acsm.org)
Ashley Crockett-Lohr (317) 637-9200, ext. 133 (alohr@acsm.org)

CLEARING THE AIR ON EXERCISE AND THE COMMON COLD

ACSM expert offers advice on when to get moving, when to stay in bed

INDIANAPOLIS – As the weather turns colder, the U.S. launches itself full-force into cold and flu season. While recent research has correctly reported that exercise can help prevent the common cold, experts with the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) recommend caution for people who are considering an intense workout while they’re sick. In fact, there are some cases in which exercise could do more harm than good.

ACSM Fellow David C. Nieman, Dr.P.H., says that moderate exercise (30 minutes a day, on most, if not all, days of the week) actually lowers the risk for respiratory infections. Prolonged, intense exercise, on the other hand, can weaken the immune system and allow viruses to gain a foothold and spread.
“The good news, for the majority of fitness enthusiasts who put in 30-60 minutes of exercise most days of the week, is that the number of sick days they’ll take during the common cold season is reduced by at least 40 percent,” said Dr. Nieman.

People who are already sick should approach exercise cautiously during their illness. To help people decide whether to hit the gym or stay in bed, Dr. Nieman offers the following recommendations:

• DO exercise moderately if your cold symptoms are confined to your head. If you’re dealing with a runny nose or sore throat, moderate exercise is permissible. Intense exercise can be resumed a few days after symptoms subside (in cases of the common cold).
• DON’T “sweat out” your illness. This is a potentially dangerous myth, and there is no data to support that exercise during an illness helps cure it.
• DO stay in bed if your illness is “systemic” – that is, spread beyond your head. Respiratory infections, fever, swollen glands and extreme aches and pains all indicate that you should rest up, not work out.
• DON’T jump back in too soon. If you’re recovering from a more serious bout of cold or flu, gradually ease back into exercise after at least two weeks of rest.  

“In general, if your symptoms are from the neck up, go ahead and take a walk,” said Dr. Nieman. “But if you have a fever or general aches and pains, rest up and let your body get over the illness.”

Dr. Nieman also encourages people to engage in moderate-intensity exercise before getting a flu shot. After exercise, he said, the body responds better to the vaccine and gets a boost in immunity.

For more information, check out “Exercise and the Common Cold,” ACSM’s fact sheet dedicated to the relationship between safe exercise and illnesses. This fact sheet, written by Dr. Nieman, is part of a Current Comment fact sheet series available online.

The American College of Sports Medicine is the largest sports medicine and exercise science organization in the world. More than 40,000 international, national and regional members and certified professionals are dedicated to advancing and integrating scientific research to provide educational and practical applications of exercise science and sports medicine.

Writing Continuity

I have been doing quite a bit of writing - though not much on my posts. aside from the small stones. Writing these small daily observations has been wonderful. They keep me on the lookout for something positive each day. Some of the days recently haven't been that great - but needing to find one small beautiful or unique or colorful thing has been nice.

Things are not going badly. Just a little ramped up in the busy-ness category. Add to it that I'm not 100% recovered from the accident and that's annoying. I've just had three good days with practically no symptoms - which was awesome. Today there was a slight flare-up - and, luckily, I had a massage scheduled. Cydney was wonderful and the area that was bothering me resolved. She also reminded me that the area is a little weakened and so these flare-ups will happen. But I'm definitely on the mend - and sometimes it's the little minor flare-ups that are irritating. But my health care appointments are being spread out and the treatments are holding. Good news!

As far as writing, I am. I did a weekend memoir intensive last weekend with Ariel Gore here in Portland. It was a great experience and there were awesome writers with wonderful stories to share. And the online writing class-community started last weekend, too. So there are two weekly writes there, as well - one 8-minute quick write and one longer writing assignment.

I'm moving forward on my memoir. I have a pretty good idea of where the book will end - which is new. Before I've had all this material, I have a great beginning, I've had some great scenes and stories - but I didn't know where to stop, where the story would end. Then last week I had an insight. I have an end-point; or two. There may be a part one and a part two. Or just one. But now I know when I'll get to the end. More good news.

I also have two writing dates per week set up and mostly they are working out. There are other days in the week for writing, too - but I love having two times set up where I'm committed to meeting up with someone else to write. It's working well.

Off to a good start.

I feel my life is getting back on track.
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National Breast Cancer Month

October is National Breast Cancer Month. There are many events, fundraisers, special happenings all around. One event is a Blanket Tour for  Diana M. Raab’s new book, "Healing with Words: A Writer’s Cancer Journey".  Over at The Muffin, WOW! Women On Words has this to say about Diana and her book:

Diana’s latest book reflects her experiences battling breast cancer at age 47 and then multiple myeloma, a type of bone marrow cancer, when she was 52. The book is part practical advice(she is a nurse, after all) and part inspiration, which takes the form of poems, journal entries, and friendly thoughts. To show readers the effect of healing writing, Diana also includes blank sections and writing prompts so the reader can contribute their own thoughts and writings. Diana describes her daily journal writing as “a daily vitamin-healing, detoxifying and essential for optimal health.”

Each day in October, a different writer has been selected to post something about breasts: cancer, surviving, and other related topics. Click on The Muffin link above to see the month's line-up.

I am honored to be one of the writers in this tour. Check back here on October 16th to read what I have to say; I'm hoping to be able to meet with a friend of mine who has already given me permission to talk about her story. She's been through breast cancer, the BRCA gene testing, and some big decisions as a result of the test; she's an inspiration and one of the shining lights in my life.

Here is one of Diana Raab's poems in her new book:

To My Daughters

by Diana M. Raab, MFA, RN

You were the first I thought of
when diagnosed with what
strikes one in eight women.

It was too soon to leave you,
but I thought it a good sign
that none of us were born

under its pestilent zodiac.
I stared at the stars and wished upon
each one that you¹d never wake up

as I did this morning to one real breast
and one fake one; but that the memories
you carry will be only sweet ones,

and then I remembered you had your
early traumas of being born too soon,
and losing a beloved grandpa too young

and then I had this urge to show you
the scars on the same breast
you cuddled as babies, but then wondered

why you¹d want to see my imperfections
and perhaps your destiny.
I caved in and showed you anyway,

hoping you¹d learn to be careful, as
if it really mattered, because your grandpa
used to say when your time¹s up, it¹s up.
May he always watch over you.
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What do I Deserve? Razor's Edge response

Razor's Edge response from 2/12/10

The spoken word artist talks about what women deserve. I am a woman. What do I deserve?

If I woke up in the morning and I said to anyone who would listen that, today, I am going to play hookie. What would happen? Do I deserve a day of, as Emi Ha said, loafing?

What would happen if - for just one day - I was not responsible? If I said: this is My Day and I claim it as my own and I will be there for me, first. What would happen?

Sometimes I know I act as if I can hold up the world all by myself. Or at least this corner of the world where I dwell and work and love and don't sleep enough. I think that I can keep going and maybe I should just paint myself pink and attach a puffy bunny tail and carry around a big majorette's drum - just like the energizer bunny.

Only the bunny does run out. Sometime, s/he will. I know it. I know it keeps going and going and going. But one day. It will. Stop.

I don't want to stop.

But maybe I need to rest.

My body is telling me now that I need. To. Rest.

I have a little irritating rash that my body. Can't handle. It's stress induced. I've been told. And my adrenals are running on high although they are still following a circadian rhythm, which is good. I've been told. Or they're kind of stuck or vacuum locked - like my car the one day we had a few hours of snow and ice and I was stuck in traffic for 5 hours going about 5 to 10 MPH and then my car wouldn't get out of low gear. Except my adrenals are in the fight or flight mode. Still. Too much cortisol.

I don't want to get stuck in low gear.

So what do I deserve? What is it I need?

Sleep. Down time. Rest.

The supplements to help my body heal the rash make me tired. I was warned. Tired and a little cold- or flu-like. But not sick. Though the feelings are very similar.

Rest. "You may have to slow down to get over this," my Naturopath warned. And she may be right.

Rest.

What a beautiful four letter word.