Returning to the Up Position of the Seesaw

photo from Seesaw of Life - a nice article about failure and success

Writing - and I think creating, in general - is a seesaw ride for some of us.

Or we think it is.

I do, at least.

Today I feel I'm back on the upswing. Yesterday I was holding onto the edge of the dark pit, slipping and yet not letting myself fall, wondering if I could haul my ass out one more time. Wondering if this in and out, up and down - the excited energy of new ideas, then the plummet of self-doubt with or without external ignition - will ever end. Thinking, no, it won't, so what's the use of trying.

Except I do try.

I return to the things I love and I don't give up. The time between the flow of creativity, the sagging lack of confidence or lack of sleep or lack or validation, and the return to writing is shortened; sometimes hours or maybe a day or two. No longer weeks or months of wondering, waiting, trying to ignore the sense that maybe this time writing or theater or art-making and I won't find our way back together.

But I do find the path.

And today I know that this is a cycle.

That periods of not writing don't mean I'm not writing - what I mean is that I'm not putting the words on a page. Paper or computer screen it doesn't matter. If I'm still thinking and open to what surrounds me and ideas are being sparked, then I'm in the process of writing. And rewriting and editing is writing.

I think this lift of the creative teeter totter I've found that little bounce as my butt hits the ground and I rebound into the air, with creativity intact. And realize I've only dipped; not lost.

It's good to be airborne again. To have words back in my pocket and on my screen.

Thank you to writing partners and writing group members and friends. And my partner and Pamela and Bonnie. And all of the other people in my life who help keep me moving forward and help me remember that I can and I am.

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Radical Writing Advice: Where's Your Energy?

I'm a couple days late with this post. With reason; without intention.

But the reasons did lead me to this topic. That plus my coffee with another writer on Sunday.

What I'm talking about is our creative energy as writers. As creative beings in the world. When we are working on something which excites us, that energy builds on itself and expands. If we are working on something which doesn't hold our interest, which we don't like, or we are feeling pulled from that thing we love doing, we can drag. Our energy diminishes if we don't have a passion.

I can hear people nodding and feel people holding back, thinking, "But I can't drop everything just because I'm bored or don't like it; I'd never get anything done." And, I know. I'm not saying that sometimes we don't have to hang in there with the projects which don't excite us. I know we do. I also know that sometimes being bored may stem from other things than it being something we shouldn't do.

What I do know, though, is that energy begets energy. I've just had that confirmed for myself. I started a new project, the basics which started - well, it's a long story. But this phase of things had the seed planted in June. And now that I've made a big step out of the little bubble in which I've been existing in this particular area, it is blossoming. Partly because I noticed that spark - a pilot light, if you will - inside which said, "look at me!" So I did. Excitement was there. Energy.

Did I immediately give up the responsibilities and projects which aren't as much fun? Or one in particular which right now is not creating energy? No. But I did move on this new one. And the universe today sent me a message in the form of an email in response to that seed in June; the answer was "yes."

The writer on Sunday was talking about a project which surfaced - a novel. She found a spark by listening to her inner voice and her "gut." She had renewed energy and a vision. She sat down to begin writing this novel and it was easy, it was fun, and she wants to do more of it.

Because she noticed the energy and she followed it. She realized that some of what she had been doing wasn't her, wasn't her passion. This is. I am excited that I will be able to read some of her writing as it progresses.

So: where is your energy? Where do you feel drawn? How can you incorporate that right now?

What is the vision of that energy place?

Write it. Or draw it. Or make a collage if the words aren't coming right now. Just do something creative with it. Notice. Look. Listen.

Where's the energy?

Jupiter Transit

From astrologer and author Hazel Dixon-Cooper (click on her name to read the rest of her June astrology notes).

June 11, Jupiter spins out of Taurus and into Gemini, where it stays until June 2013. This deepens the message that the universe wants us to get out in the world to explore new ideas, meet new people, and broaden our minds. Jupiter is full of luck and fun. It’s also the planet of excess. Gemini relationships and plans can have a short shelf life. While Jupiter’s in Gemini, it will be easier to assume that every idea you hatch and every person you meet is perfect.

Although this transit is going to be mostly upbeat and intellectually stimulating, it’s wise to think before you dive into anything.

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Being Open and Noticing

There are times of energy shift, more than most of us notice, I believe.

And there are times of energy shift when something is happening and we feel it, though we aren't sure what is happening.

Then there are times that the energy shifts and we know it. In the cells of our bones and our organs and processes, we feel the movements and the winds and we go with it. Or maybe resist.

So it is right now - a time of transition. As we walk toward spring and return to light. As we emerge from darkness and seeds start to sprout.

Recently I've been working on metabolizing anger and releasing it. Sometimes using Tonglen to move it through so it doesn't get stuck and come out in other ways. Sometimes using energy protocols with hand mudras - breathing, visualization. All to move forward and heal and walk my true path.

An added bonus to this work is being open. These last couple of weeks I have gathered pieces of conversations, from Starbucks and Sushi Hana and Poppa's Haven and outside the library while driving to work listening to an interview of an author on NPR. Bits of talk and observations and ideas coming to me and I send myself an email to my special folder where the ideas are saved. I now have over 200 of these bits of collected inspirations.

Approaching spring.

Thinking about my future.

Looking into options of what I want to do next.

And along come story ideas. Poetry ideas. A title. A character. A line.

Energy. Open. Light.

I Feel A Change Coming



picture from twitter.com/moldavitestar

I'll tell you right up front that, no, I can't tell you anything more than that.

I can't tell you what "the change" is. No, it's not the female change - no.

But - I feel it.

It is related to writing, I think. Or other things. Well, I know for sure some other things - at least one other thing: I'm not teaching interpreting next term. Too much on my schedule and I can't do it next term. That's a big change. I have a lot of theater and writing commitments (including another two week writing intensive).

But today. In the air. No, correction, in my body, in my cells. And in the the air.

An energy shift. Something.

Writing. Identity.

Change.

Following The Energy

I have selected the poems for the additional surrealist sections in the memoir. I've identified where to put them in. And I have handwritten notes about what was a chapter but is not inserts between chapters, which need to be typed up and then figure out where they go.

So close to The End.

Again. Or is it "still" - no it's "again" because I thought I was there, but wasn't quite.

I've also identified a new situation I have to figure out what to do with. Because I've expanded the time period covered in the memoir, it changes perspectives a bit. Originally, I had two time periods - the past with its influencing incidents and the present about the journey with the wedding and the next morning. Then I started adding scenes from later - after the wedding, after the next morning, after moving. So now I have past and present and - future? No. Okay. Thinking about tenses.

Today - on my second work drive - I realized that I felt energetic. When I arrived at the second location there was that cliche "spring in my step" and I was happy and smiling.

That wouldn't be all that strange, except that I only had just over five hours of sleep last night. When I got home from work I set up my computer to do a little editing. With the inserts selected, I wanted to get started. Then, when I realized the tense issue and that there were some sections of the book that weren't in my notebook, and sections which were really outdated, I decided to print it all out. It's easier to make some notes - for me - on the paper and I have tons of one-sided printout sheets to recycle. So I started. One thing and then another and then it was 4:30 AM and I had a meeting at 11 AM and I was shutting down my computer to go to bed.

Going to bed with all 300 pages printed and in the working notebook, in order, with copies of the poems.

So I was surprised I wasn't at all tired at my second work situation today. Not one bit. And here I am hours later and still doing fine.

Curious, I thought.

Then considered. I have so much energy (and I may still crash, I realize; I'll take a nap before my VRS shift tonight). Where did it come from?

The energy came from progress on the book. From having it truly at the final stage before sending off to Ariel for editing, feedback. The energy came from being excited about some new developments at the theater where I coordinate interpreting teams and interpret plays - from meeting with my liason today and discussing new events.

I have energy and am smiling today because I've been focusing a lot on my writing. On completing the book and bringing it to a whole piece and I can see it with the 300 pages right here beside me. And I've been focusing on theatrical interpreting - the season ahead, how to develop audience and interpreters and sign coaches.

Creating and being involved in creative pursuits gives me energy.

Creativity. That's where my energy comes from. That and that I was able to go for a walk a couple of  days ago which was completely pain-free - I'd like more of those, too.

Making Space for Writing

I get stuck sometimes.

Stuck in commitments. Stuck in work. Stuck in feeling tired. Stuck in laundry, sleep, grocery shopping and meal preparation. Stuck in needing to move my body. Stuck in a book, at a play, watching dance. Stuck because everything takes time and time is what I need for writing.

Energetically stuck is a different thing. I sit at the laptop or at the temporarily shared computer (I still haven't replaced my dead desktop; so I use my partners - which I try to do sparingly) and nothing comes to mind. Or the project I want to be working on is stalled is what I mean. I can type up my writing experience and how the IPRC program will benefit me; I can type the email to my childhood friend, talking about our weekend and a day trip to the coast; I can write about the plans for the upcoming conference where I'll be interpreting; or emails to students and department chair and videorelay manager.

But movement is very slow and progress difficult to find on the memoir right now. I flail looking for the direction I want to go, or to see which version on my computer is the most recent one (is that 500 words difference because I added or subtracted? is the more current date because I uploaded a version rather than it being the most current which was already there?).

Today I was talking with someone who suggested that I might be harboring some anger. And that anger might be blocking my energy to write, because, as she and I have discussed before, anger really sucks up a lot of energy and blocks my flow. She also suggested that writing a letter to that person I'm angry at (whether I send it or not) might free up some energy.

Writing in order to free up energy to write.

She may be right.

I wrote the letter.

And almost immediately after, I found the place I want to focus for this week's writing assignment in the Lit Star Training course, which is a part of the memoir.

Maybe writing got me unstuck to write.

Yes, I think it did.
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Synchronicity/Synchronic/Synchronous

I've mentioned this in a couple of recent posts - and it continues. So I looked up synchronicity, which I found out came from synchronic - which is a different meaning all together. Seems that "synchronicity" was kind of coined by Jung and it took off from there.

Anyway - a place I often start is with a dictionary - to at least see where a word came from. Even if it is being used differently or incorrectly or it has changed over time. So - I found this definition, which fits with what I've been experiencing:

World English Dictionary
synchronicity (ˌsɪnkrəˈnɪsɪtɪ)

— n
an apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated

Then, for fun, and because I was following the root of the word, the origins, I went down that path and discovered synchronous. There is the synchronous engine, which is (in very basic laymen's terms from the different sources I've read) a spinning rotor with coils and alternating current - the coils pass magnets at the same rate as the current and it creates a rotating magnetic field.


from Freescale

So - synchronicity and synchronous motors: energy, in the field, laws of attraction and what goes out/comes back, it's "in the air." So part of catching what is there is being aware. Then there are other theories about putting out into the universe what you want to get back, or putting in effort gives you results, and so on.

Leading back to, for me, what has come up in one part of my life appears in another place. Unrelated. Sometimes unexpected - usually unexpected. Yes - I also know that, for example, if you're thinking about buying a new car, suddenly the ones you've targeted as possibilities are showing up everywhere on the road; or another example: quick, don't think of green elephants - and now you are. I know. There is that.

And - things have been popping up.

My best friend from childhood, whom I hadn't seen for 30 years, sending an email about meeting up right when I was writing a story for my memoir that was about the two of us. Then her talking about a disease, which I talked about with my partner the next day, which came up on a program my partner was watching that night (it's a rare disease). And other instances like that. I have a question about something and look it up - and there it is in an article in my email the next day. Or I'm talking with my partner about some news story and she just had a similar experience.

Or maybe I'm just in a time of being more mindful and more aware and so I catch it. Like the red and green spots in the motor.

Something to think about.
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synchronicity

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I've been trying to write this post for an hour. Getting nowhere. So I won't for now.

Except to say that right now seems to be a time of pieces coming together for me. And some not. Of writing about something or a person and then, they appear somehow (an email, perhaps; or a mention from someone who I didn't know had that connection, too). Of reading a discussion thread about a topic and then receiving and email or a class list about just that topic the next day.

I'm not really talking about cause and effect.

More like the energy in the air and multiple sources picking up on it.

Yes - it's in the air and it's being tapped into. Like the waves at the beach, touching the shores for miles and miles and touching the toes or lives of many, who just happen to be there about that same time. And notice the water at their feet.
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Razor's Edge for 9/17/10

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Today I'm going in a different direction. I would like to start a conversation here about where to put our writing energies. I know we have different goals and projects - but I also am guessing that everyone has been faced with having to make decisions about what to write, when, where. I am also interested in what non-writer creative types have to say on this issue, as well. I know my partner, who is - among other things - a visual artist, has to make decisions about what medium to use, what venues will further her goals as an artist and what will feed her creative fire. I imagine that dancers, musicians, playwrights - anyone who creates - has choices at one time or another.

Let me know.

Let's have a conversation.

My writer friend, Christi Craig, addressed this issue when looking at the feeding and care of her blog. You can read her post at Writing Under Pressure.

My thoughts and questions are below: please post your thoughts as a comment, or email me directly!

Part A: Does anyone have any experience with - or knowledge about, know someone whose done - Bright Hub, or similar online sites? Here are a couple of links for the "seeking writers" and the main
BrightHub.

I've seen some of these sites, or searches for writers, before; this one just came up on WOW as searching for writers.

Part B: This is more a theoretical discussion - or the business of writing discussion - about where to put our writerly energies. Related to the above question, yes, but also in general.

Related to these online "hubs" (and there are a bunch of them) - is it worth one's time to write posts?

As a fiction and memoir/creative non-fiction writer (guess I should throw poetry in there, too!), is it worth my time to do some journalistic writing? Or will it be a detraction from the writing I like to do and the projects I have in process?

One "Plus" is that it *might* generate some income. And, certainly, I would like to get some income from my writing. And the paying markets for fiction are highly competitive. Maybe doing what I'm doing (interpreting) is the best route for income generation, rather than doing writing that is fine, but not where my energies are when I write. I like to write stories and memoir and overheard stories (are those memoir or fiction? *grin* - honestly, they become fiction when I write them because I have to fill in the missing details and I often change some of the exact details because I wouldn't want to be labeled as snoopy; or am I just being observant?).

One "negative" is, as I just said, writing the articles could detract from the other writing. If I'm spending a lot of time generating content for a website that I could use for writing -- where is the balance?

Does that type of writing give me energy to write or steal it? Is there the danger that that type of writing become the same as other jobs and diminish - or, shock, even ruin - my pleasure with writing?

What do you think?

Or, does anyone know of an independent wealth stream I can join that does not involve pyramids, uplines, money orders to foreign countries, or otherwise taking advantage of people? :-)
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