Looking Back, Looking Forward

photo by Dot Hearn - Twin Rocks Reflection

Remember way back in late March and early April - the memes saying something like: If we do lockdown, later people will say "what was it all for? We're fine! We didn't need that." But if we don't lockdown, later people will say,  "we should have done more! Why didn't the states/government step in to help? We should have locked down."

We're there now. (Although we are not yet out of the pandemic.)

If you're lucky enough to live in an area where there was a significant stay-at-home order early and for a longer period of time, you might not personally know anyone who has or who had it, or known anyone who died of COVID-19.  Lucky you - you either live in an isolated community no one really visits or you maybe had a longer uncomfortable time of restrictions than some other states.

Today we have 12 states who are at critical level. I don't know in how many of those states health care providers are having to make decisions about who is too far gone with the disease to even admit to the hospital so they get sent home; where they have to triage people's chances for survival from COVID-19 to see who they can treat and who they can't; I do know at least two, maybe three. Where they are ordering refrigerated trucks to store dead bodies because the morgues are full.

So, please, just because you personally don't know anyone who has or had it, don't dismiss the pandemic or the current threat. The threat is real. Instead, be thankful that where you live, someone did their research and listened to experts and made decisions to keep people as safe as they could. That you live in a place where people care about each other and not just themselves, so they followed the mandates. (I realize that last sentence is a little Pollyanna-ish of me - but I *do* know many people who are doing the distancing and masks and keeping trips down as much to protect others as to protect themselves - and I do believe,  most of the time, in the basic underlying goodness of people.)

Yes, in the 'early days' of COVID-19,  some were hopeful that we'd be almost over it by now. We're not. We're nowhere near done with it - it's nowhere done with us. The summer heat is doing nothing to slow the spread, probably because too many people are doing nothing to slow the spread and are ignoring the warnings and ignoring recommendations intended to protect people from getting sick and to minimize deaths.

Rather than brush aside the recommendations, think about others as much as yourself: wear your mask properly when in public (indoor and outdoor), wash your hands well and frequently, avoid large gatherings (especially indoors), keep at least 6 feet between you and others. Simple. Is it fun? No. But please, do it.

Just because you don't personally know anyone who's had it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Say thank you to whatever entity, government, family, and/or friends who are considerate enough to also hold you in mind as they follow the recommendations to keeping the community where you live safe.

Believe me (or not, it doesn't matter), I look forward to the day when we can have live theater in venues with patrons in seats, to concerts large and small, to community gatherings where I get to meet new people, to face-to-face writing workshops with writers and facilitators I love. Zoom and online events help fill the void, but they don't fill my creative heart in the same way. It's a better connection than no connection, but it is not the same. But I'd rather wait until it's safe(r) rather than risk being a carrier to someone I respect and care about.

We are actually all in this together. As someone said earlier (and I'm sorry I don't remember who it was) : we are not all in the same boat due to economic and racial disparity, but we are all on the same turbulent ocean right now.

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Writing is/is not a Solitary Activity

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I've heard a lot of people - ordinary people on the street; published authors; editors; writing facilitators/professors/teachers/mentors; others - say that "writing is a solitary activity." Which I think is true, in some ways. Not true always. And while I do think that the act of writing is a thing we can do alone, we may often do alone, the process of creativity and writing is not something we do alone. It takes a bunch of people to make this writing thing we do move from our brain and hands onto the page, be it electronic or printed.

The writer alone in the room writing.

Does it happen? Yes, absolutely. And, no. Is that the everything of writing? Sitting alone and putting words onto the page/screen?

For those who may think of, or actually do, their writing entirely alone, cool. Good. Do what works.

But I think, like the photos below which I took from the balcony in LACMA on our visit last March, to get the writing out into the world it takes more than just the person doing the writing. Each process may look different for different writers; I'm sure it does.

But, like these people carrying the long tube/rolled up something/whatever it is up the stairs, it would be a nearly impossible task for one person. But together they were talking, laughing, serious, and it was smooth and easy and they nearly glided up the steps.

A few days ago I applied to another Writing By Writers conference taking place later next year. And I was accepted. It is a different group, in general, from my tribe of writers, but it's a good group and there is overlap. It was a life altering experience last spring and I want to do it again. I was among writers and I felt like a writer; I was - and am - a writer.

But my tribe of writers is bigger than that. There are two other groups which have been huge supporters in this writing process and continue to be. Several individuals in particular - but even the groups as a whole, because they are led by two people who attract good people to them. They lead by example and believe in all of us and hold space for use to create and develop. Without these two groups, I wouldn't have the manuscript I'm editing right now. I wouldn't have the short story collection in process, or the guts and energy to tackle NaNoWriMo again this year, even though I'm still editing the manuscript (I hoped to have it done before November, but unless I get a supercharge of writing time and energy, I'm not sure I'll make it). I still have moments of doubt about whether I should be writing, if my writing is "any good," if the story is worth putting out there, and so on.

Some days I'm the "tube" and I'm being buoyed by my fellow Corporeal Writing writers, and the authors I've met through Lidia Yuknavitch's workshop series, gliding along knowing that I am one of them. Some days I am one of the "tube bearers" and supporting and lifting up other writers with feedback or head nods and encouragement, or just being witness. My years of workshops in the Literary Kitchen with Ariel Gore and fabulous Wayward Writers was similar, although that tribe is online, and it is a solid foundation I carry with me now.

I am also fortunate to have a writer friend who I get to meet with on a pretty regular basis for shared writing time and feedback. See? Again, not alone. Sometimes we are writing simultaneously. We are not working on the same project - but we are sharing space and mutual accountability for showing up - and writing. I've had a few writing groups off and on; I think I'd like one of those, too, but am waiting and open for the right configuration of writers with compatible time and space to come along. Or maybe I'm waiting for me to make the time and space so it can happen; which I think I'm on the right track and am in the process of opening up some space in my schedule for more writing.

The tube. The tube carriers. Writing is solitary activity. Writing is a community activity.

Corporeal Writing Summer Session

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heat words eros, breaking through timidity, first time second time many times returning to self to the body, speaking from the body breaking down personal limitations, being present in our messedupness not alone sharing space sharing wine whiskey beer soda water sharing breath and air and stories. standing swimming floating in pools of water cold hot. we. are. here. because words. 
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workshop photos

More Corporeal Writing photos from the spring "Reinventing Revision" workshop with Lidia Yuknavitch and bunch of other wonderful beings. (photos by Domi J Shoemaker)

Corporeal Writing - Spring - Reinventing Revision

At this moment I cannot tell you why this workshop was so important.

Except that it was. It was face2face. Other writers breathing the same air, reading the same words, sharing, going into it together, speaking truths and insights and micro stories within the larger stories.

Words. My words their words our words.

Trust.

Exploration.

Explosion. Budding. Building.

More for which words have left me.

Working through the vision and re-vision and the revision of re-vision.

Facing ourselves and each other through writing.

Finding gems and tossing some out and getting to the pieces within, where the real stories lie.

And more. But now, sleep.

Simple Words I Needed to Hear Today

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My Tuesday writing partner and I have started up our weekly meetings again. December was a tough month, with the creeping crud and both of our work obligations. Maybe we met once. I've lost track. But we promised to start up again in January.

I knew I had heavy theater requirements this month and was holding huge blocks of time available because the schedule for this theater commitment was not yet specific. I've altered my work hours and some personal commitments so I could be available for this other task I agreed to do. So we were committed to writing time but I knew I might not be able to keep it to exactly every Tuesday.

We agreed to do our best to find another time during the week if a Tuesday didn't work out.

Which it didn't this Tuesday. There was an opportunity and need to work on a scene for the play so I asked my writing partner if we could move it.

There was and we did. To Wednesday.

I showed up at our writing place and we did our check in. She asked if I'd been able to do any writing this last week and I admitted that, no, I hadn't. I didn't feel guilty about it because my week was so full of theater that I was doing my regular interpreting work and going to rehearsals for the in-depth theater project and the show I'm interpreting next week and sleeping. That was it.

But, no, I hadn't written a thing in 8 days. Since the last time we met.

"But you are here now," Rooze said - or something like that. "You showed up to write."

I felt relief from hearing those words. I wish I could remember exactly what she said, but that is close. And it was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Yes, even in this exciting and energizing and creative theatrical time, I showed up to write.

Thank you, Rooze!
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The Annual Strengthen Your Writing Practice Event is Under Way

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After the countdown to midnight the event commenced with a hearty "go!"

About forty-five NaNoWriters gathered at PDX (Portland International Airport) in the food court to start another year of NaNoWriMo. Some of us were from NaNoPortland and some were from NaNoVancouver (WA). Here in the Pacific Northwest we are not the last group to get started - but almost. Hawaii and her time zone neighbors still had another hour to wait after we were well under way.

The goal of the midnight NaNoWrite-In is to get your first day's word count in before you go to bed. For some of us, the time is not a problem. Like me, because I often work very late, so staying up until 2 AM is kind of normal. For some, that is well past their bedtime and their bodies were dragging along, kicking and screaming with their characters, asking why they couldn't wait until morning; real morning.

One year I didn't go to the midnight write-in. I thought it wouldn't make a difference and I had scheduled myself to work and I thought, really, No Big Deal.

I was wrong.

For me, being there at midnight with other writers, all driving our words towards a common goal, is important in terms of the tone for the month. I set an intent and follow it with an action. In community. Most of these people I don't know at all and may only see once or twice during the month, if that, if I can get to a write-in where they also happen to be. Most NaNoVembers I only make it to one or two write-ins. So the bulk of my NaNoNovel is written alone, at home or in a coffee shop, on breaks at work, in my car.

Midnight as October becomes November is my This Is It time.

It is also my annual renewal to daily writing. The daily writing practice is my struggle. I make the commitment, I do it for awhile, then a day slips here and there, then I miss two consecutive days. I keep trying.

Balance! Balance? Yes.

Even in NaNoVember, I sometimes miss a day or two. Not many, because it doesn't take long to fall behind in the word count. Which is another reason I go to the first midnight write-in : to get a head start on my novel. I will write again today, try to get another full day's word count in the story. This gives me some flex room for the busier days when I can't get in as much time and the goal of an average of 1667 words per day becomes undoable. (I am deliberately avoiding the word, "impossible.") This is also the reason I have taken to scheduling a personal writing retreat around the middle of every NaNoVember: to catch up to myself in word count and sprint ahead. I take three to four days and go to the coast just to write. I pack up some food and huddle in an ocean front rental with my laptop, a bottle of wine, good food, and let the water and sand and air support and inspire at whatever hour of the day or night and I write. And write.

So every NaNoVember, I recommit to writing every day. And if it doesn't happen every day, then I make sure to have some longer blocks of time committed to my writing. Like the recent writing retreat in Rockaway Beach with a wonderful group of writers.

Okay. My word count when I left the write in was 2520 words, by 2:15 AM. As I was drifting off to sleep, my main character, whom I thanked profusely for showing up at 12:02 AM this morning, told me that I gave her the wrong name. I promised her I would change it when I got back to the laptop; I agree that her real name is better.

Get ready for my NaNoWriMo daily updates. Another commitment I make in NaNoVember: to post my word counts each day and give periodic updates on the story, probably.

The working title of my 2014 NaNoWriMo novel is "Cue the Dramaturg." So far I have my main character, Lisa June, and her cat, Charlie Dean. Lisa Jean's best friend, Christopher, has been mentioned but we haven't met him, yet. I think he will be making an appearance soon. There has also been mention of Lisa June's ex, Minea, whom we also haven't met and their has been a little foreshadowing about the Ex, but I don't know what that's about, yet.
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Big Project Update - It's a Doozy

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I sat down to write this post, then wondered when I had made the announcement that I was going public with my editing process on the memoir. So I saved the draft and opened a new tab in my browser to check previous posts.

It was June 17th.

Now it is July 17th.

After the Universe gave me a few unexpected gifts last week, I did some serious thinking about writing, including The Memoir.

Before I go on, I must tell you that the Universe had to slip the information in sideways, in the guise of work, because I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. Maybe I would have. Maybe she would have found something else to get my attention or some other avenue. But I doubt it. She made the work situation so appealing that of course I jumped at the opportunity with barely a thought to not do it. No regrets.

There were so many insights from the work that I won't even try to tell you all about them. That isn't the point of this particular piece of writing, anyway.

Within a week of that experience, I met with my sporadic Friday night writing group, a Portland writer I met at a workshop in Port Townsend with whom I am going to start regular writing meetings (which will probably become a writing group and more), and I met with my Tuesday writing partner. The writing energy was strong.

The point of this writing is: I have decided to shelve The Memoir for two years. Not all of the stories. There are pieces I have sent out into the world, a couple have been published; there are a couple of stories I want to develop more or rewrite. I will continue to work on some of the stories and revise or edit them to be standalone pieces (if they aren't already).

I realized that The Memoir project had become a block to moving forward with other writing. I did complete another read through the manuscript and came away with more questions, with more problems, with the knowledge that there are some challenges and problems which make it not work in major ways. I have been devoting most of my writing time to The Memoir and it has significant flaws. And I don't want to work on it right now.

I decided to set it aside for a specific period of time so that I don't waste energy and time wondering if I should look at it. If I should work through specific passages and dig out the industrial sized shovel to fill in some of the Godzilla sized potholes and looming question marks.

I have had some insights into the memoir work in the past eighteen months and they were good. New perspectives and new energy. And daunting. And they lead to another path. It is not the path I am on and I have been struggling to keep my footing but feeling like I had to hold on and keep going.

There are so many pieces of advice about creative work being hard, putting one foot in front of the other, hang in there and keep going and you will make it, and that when it gets hard it just means to try harder and you will get through it.

I did all of that. I am actually very good at hanging in there and wading through the muck, head down, move forward, just do it. But not for this anymore. I need a break.

I don't know what will happen in two years. I don't know if I will see where it needs to go and rewrite it. Or junk it. Or extend the "on hold" status. But I do know that I don't have to think about it for two years.

So right now, while I have another three hours alone at this place, with the ocean crashing against the rocks across the street and the wind blowing the shades on the window and the birds arguing over who gets the worm or seed or whatever it is they are conversing about, I am going to unplug and move outside. There is a lovely set of chairs and a table under the pine trees, on the edge of a now cold fire pit. The sun is reaching the edge of the welcoming space and - I assume - warming it just a bit.

I am moving out to that space on the edge of the sun. I will take the laptop, battery fully charged and Ethernet cable disconnected. The owner of the space offered to hook me up to his ultra secure wireless router before he headed off to errands for his work, but I said no, I don't need the Internet to write. So I'm moving outside and away from the temptation of the 'net into the open air - even my mobile has no service since we're in a little cellular black hole here - and I'm going to work on the novel. I've already done a little work on my short story collection and it is coming along well. But I am going to return to the novel I love and begin again. Not completely from scratch, but I am using the notes and research from the first draft to rewrite the story. The first draft was rough and unplanned - a NaNoWriMo winner written without an outline or storyline or anything at the stroke of midnight:01 on a November 1st, and it's a mess, as a pantser NaNoNovel will be.

Big Project Update? Shelved for two years.

Now I get to go write fiction without self-imposed guilt.
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Continuing the Practice of Writing

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One benefit of NaNoWriMo is strengthening my writing practice. Some years it is almost like starting over; sometimes, like this year, it is increasing the frequency and making a writing habit stronger.

So that is what I'm doing. And other things are already creeping in, other commitments, projects. But I am determined to not lose my writing practice, while being fair to other things requiring my attention. So I will need to proceed at a different pace.

I do have my Tuesday morning writing meeting tomorrow morning. And I have my Friday night writing group. In between I will divide writing time between editing (completing the M-book first, I guess; then one of the novels; submissions; writing new material). And I still have another two weeks in the online poetry workshop, which I am enjoying. I considered signing up for the next round in the Literary Kitchen, but with my upcoming show schedule in early 2014, I don't think it would be a good idea. Maybe the next one!

This week the Theatrical Interpreting Preparation Series workshop starts again and that will continue until March 2014. I am also preparing to interpret "Twist Your Dickens" at PCS on Thursday, December 12th. I am also interpreting the Back Fence PDX Anniversary Storytelling event on Monday, December 9th.

I still like the story of the novel I wrote and I am excited to have that project to return to, later. After it rests. That is a good sign.

In the meantime, editing, revising, and looking for appropriate places to submit several stories which need homes. I need to spend some time on Duotrope and at Poets & Writers.

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NaNoWriMo Day 19: Story on the Move

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. . . current word count = 34,950 . . .

The playwright has arrived (I think; I haven't seen her yet but all indications are that it is her car which pulled up in the gravel driveway behind the house; the Stage Manager is checking on it now).

I had a great writing session with my Tuesday writing partner, Rooze, today. The Tuesday writing prompt was posted a little late (which was absolutely not a problem!) so I used all of the time on my NaNoNovel. I wrote a little over 1800 words this morning before work.

I stopped at a good place in the novel, because I'm on the brink of a new and exciting thing. So I want to return to writing. This is good.

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NaNoWriMo Day Two & A Reminder

Remember that the time change happens tonight (for most of us in the US, I mean). At 2:00 AM the time changes, so set your clocks BACK one hour. Many digital clocks - on computers, alarm clocks, smart phones, and so on -  will reset themselves. But if you have analog clocks, like the one above in my living room (that's a stock photo, but it's the clock I have), or ones not somehow connected with the big time piece in the sky, make sure to do the manual switch.

Now, on to NaNoWriMo, Day Two.

I haven't quite hit the daily average, yet. I am still planning to write a little more before midnight to get to 1667 words. I want to keep the word bank I have for once my work week starts tomorrow. I have a few additional hours this week, which means a few less hours for writing, so I'd like to keep my cushion.

Even though I haven't hit the daily average yet, I am still ahead of target as of the end of day two. I am actually even ahead of where I should be at the end of day three, which is 5000 words. As of right now, I have 5670 words in my NaNoNovel. I have 203 more words to write to hit 1667 for the day.

So I'll keep this post short and get back to writing.

We'll see if I can get the yellow square changed to green before both hands on the analog clock are pointing straight up at twelve.

How is it going for other Wrimos? Any good bits in your stories, yet?

And how about those who are doing the poem a day challenge?

Or the non-fiction writing challenge I noticed the other day?

I love that so many writers are putting words together to make stories and poems and essays at the same time. I don't care what genre or mode we use to write. The important thing is that we continue writing. Putting a word after a word after a word.

As Margaret Atwood said, "A word after a word after a word is power."

Power to the authors.
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Let the Party Begin

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It's finally here! Nine hours from now, I will have begun my 2013 NaNoNovel, "The Center of the Univers." I will see what stories the characters have to tell and, maybe, have an idea where we're headed.

Tomorrow there will be a color in the first box of my NaNoWordCount box. As long as there isn't a technology glitch. Which often happen at the beginning of NaNoWriMo, as the system is pushed to its limits and beyond. Or maybe it won't crash this year. Sometimes it's not a crash, but some of the features are disabled at the beginning of the event since there is so much activity in the first few days. After the pack thins a bit and we all get under way, there aren't as many writers logging in at the same time.

So there will, hopefully, be a green square in November first early tomorrow morning. I am assuming I will get at least 1,667 words written at the midnight write-in - which is how I earn a green square. (The colors range from red=no wriring recorded; orange=a few words; yellow = a lot of words but less than the daily average.)

Oh, and it's Halloween. Make sure to have a kale and broccli salad, and a healthy protein if you're indulging in the sweetness of the day. Even if you're not into the rampant sources of sugar of this day, some good protein and a large portion of vegetables is a good idea.

And for al the Wrimos getting ready for the start of another period of writing intensity, protein is an essential option for optimal brain function.

Happy Halloween/Samhain and Happy NaNoWriting Day!

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Growing a Writing Group

The Friday night writing group is still meeting. We've undergone a few big changes in our short history; lost a member, gained a member, had a couple of weeks off, now a change of schedule. We're also still finding our way with what it is that we want to do as a group.

The basic plan has been that we send writing to each other a couple of days before we meet. We read the writing ahead of time and make feedback notes. When we meet, the writer reads his or her piece and we discuss it. This week we had one piece from a writer, along with accompanying correspondence related to the piece. It was a good conversation.

We also spend some time each week talking about writing, submitting, current project, and so on. These are valuable writing conversations to have, too.

We've also made a temporary schedule change - to every other week for the time being, for the whole group. Partly due to the upcoming holidays and partly due to other commitments; it is hard to find a time which is consistent for all of us and Friday is the only day where all of our schedules overlap. So we'll make do with what we have and keep writing. On the group "off" weeks, a couple of us will still get together for writing support and, during November, for NaNoWriMo writing time.

The group is still working - it is also changing. And I still have my Tuesday midday writing time with another writer, although we've also missed a few due to "life happens" events. I've mostly managed to keep the Tuesday writing time for writing, even on the weeks when we haven't met.

Take two weekly writing dates, add an online poetry workshop/class (starts November 3rd), add NaNoWriMo, and I think I have a fairly strong writing practice. My hope this year will be to continue the strong writing practice after November 30th.

And I am thinking that I would like to add a manuscript writing/critique group into the mix. That one will take a little more searching and a little more time to find the right fit.

Writing is happening
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Writing Sample from the Dorothy Allison Workshop

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Not.

We did write first thing in the morning with Dorothy Allison. Yep, we did. But I'm not going to put that piece of writing out there into the world. At least not now, not as written. I don't want to.

What did we write about in the morning? Masturbation. Yes, that's right. In a room with sixteen other writers we wrote about the first time. Then we read them out loud.

Perhaps that gives you an idea of the kind of day it was with Dorothy. Though not really. It gives you a sense that you know but if you've never been in a workshop with her, then you don't know. If you've read her books you might have a sense of the style of conversation, the open discussion about writing, the feedback, her style of telling you how it is from her perspective and experience. And you'd be correct.

Open.

That's what today was. Sharing our writing, giving and getting feedback, being open to the process of giving and receiving, talking and listening, asking, wondering. Honest.

Then both groups met up in one room, Anna the owner of Writers' Workshoppe - a bookstore and the sponsor of this and many other workshops - said a few words, then Dorothy, then Lidia. I recognized some faces who'd been in the other group from the Memorial Day Lidia Yuknavitch workshop I'd done up there in Port Townsend. Met a couple of other writers, too.

Promises to each other, to Lidia and Dorothy, to ourselves to keep that fire which was lit inside of us going. Knowing that returning home to the rest of our life challenges that. Knowing that I/we want to keep it going and that will take some attention and care. And we made a promise to Lidia and Dorothy to share the spark, the flame, the fire, with one other.

Writing may be a solitary act and it is for community, for sharing. Take one, pass it along. You can do it.

I'll have more to say about the workshop later. I will. But after two days of being in writing workshops, writing, thinking about writing, talking about writing, then the drive home which always takes longer than online maps say it will - I'm tired. And it's time for sleep.

And dreaming.
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Waiting is Hard Sometimes

This isn't about writing; not directly. Although pretty much everything which happens in my day to day and even exceptional day life does affect my writing. The quality, the quantity, the ability to put a word after a word after a word and have it make sense. Or not.

I've been waiting for six weeks for the contracts to be ready at a place where I interpret and coordinate the interpreter teams. There was a big shake-up in the personnel and the way they do business at the end of last season. This included my contact person losing her job - and she was excellent at her job, at being an advocate for the Deaf Community and made huge strides in increasing the size of the interpreted performance audiences. After the personnel shake-up, it took awhile for them to get someone assigned to be the one who deals with the access teams. The meeting went well. And then I waited.

And waited. They were reviewing the contracts. I waited.

I did more than just wait. I reconfirmed availabilities for the season, I plotted out who would go where, I checked in with a couple of people who I wanted for a couple of specific things. And I waited. I emailed and I called.

And waited. The contracts were under review by HR. Oh, they're on vacation. They're back but the legal team needs to look them over. Oh, they're out of the office. 

We should know later this week. No, by the end of next week. They're still reviewing. By Friday; definitely. Well, end of next week I will get an answer for you if they're not in hand.

At 4:45 pm the call came. Temporary contracts for the access team for the first show being interpreted in two weeks. And my coordinating contract. But not the master contract from which all the others will be made.

Soon, I was promised. Very soon. But first we have to meet to look over these contracts which are very different in wording than the previous, what, ten years? Fifteen years? Supposedly no major changes in process or payment - but the legalities of being involved with this place. Something.

So I'm still waiting. 

But I have moved ahead with contacting the interpreters and coaches to make sure dates and teams and plays all match up; I still need to hear back from three of them. And all of this is contingent on the contracts being acceptable to the team members because - well, I don't know what the changes are. None of us who aren't employees know.

Fingers crossed. I'm waiting.

There has been a flurry of activity these past few days around this issue. And that's okay. Even with the other activity I did meet with my Tuesday writing partner and I met with my Friday night writing group. I wrote a piece, which looks like it it going to be a spoken word piece and that makes me happy. I also edited another story which I was planning to submit but I missed the deadline. And that's okay; it probably wasn't the best fit or this story. This week I've also been looking for a home for that story - it's going to be a little hard to place, though I think it's good, it just needs the right home.

I'm happy that even with the waiting for the contracts and the busy-ness of the coordinating piece, I've still be able to write. It does help having writing partners, a writing community. Even though writing is a solitary activity in most respects, having a community helps keep it present and real and alive.

Acceptance and Integration; Moving Forward

detail of Heart Connection collage by Dot. 2013

...recent conversation...

P: so is it fair to say that creativity has been present all your life?
Me: well, not really, I mean. Sometimes.
P: okay, so most of your life?
Me: I've had writing. But time off, sometimes years between. Theatre, long periods of involvememt,  a couple years off. Some art, but...
P: and
Me: yeah, okay. I guess really, sure.
P: (raises eyebrows)
Me: okay yes, I've had creativity present throughout most of my life. Okay, all of it that I remember.

...there was more to the conversation, but this is the part which is relevant to what I want to write about right now...

This conversation did start my brain tossing neurons around remembering times when I didn't write, for example.

Oh, but when I wasn't writing creatively, meaning fiction and poetry, I was Newsletter Editor and Staff Writer for the college newspaper, a women's crisis center, a drama troupe (two of those, actually) and then at my Office Manager job at an alternative health care clinic - and more.

Oh, and when I wasn't being stage manager/director/assistant director/poster designer/general tech crew, etc for a play but I was writing skits for a child abuse prevention drama troupe and learning to throw pottery and making silk paintings and silk scarves.

Then I was writing.

Then I was making visual art. And crafts.

Then I was doing theatre.

And making music when I played the piano. Playing other people's music and making up my own when I felt like it.

Or working in the yard and completely redoing the structure and the plants and making a cement sun walkway from the street across the grassy area to the house.

And more.

I guess creativity *has* always been present in my life nearly as far back as I remember. Coloring within the lines, though not always. Making mud pies - yes, I really did. "Flying" by jumping off the neighbor's picnic table with sheets tied around our waists, wrists, holding them over our head. Writing my first book, all 72 pages by hand, when I was ten years old; my first play for my class at age nine. Learning piano (thanks, mom) and violin and being in the orchestra; second chair in Junior Symphony. Taking up cello one year when we didn't have one; viola another year when we were missing that instrument. School plays, community plays. Collage and clay and sketches and making sand candles and scrapbooks. Teenage angst poetry and short stories and more sketches. Speech team and drama and choir and and and.

I get it.

Now let me take a little time to integrate.

Creativity - not just writing, although writing has probably had the longest running engagement in my life. As much as I remember, anyway. Unless you count the mud pies.

Yes. I've carried my creativity with me everywhere. I promise to look at it more often and bring it out, or at least not hide it. Because creativity is me and creativity is my blood and my bones and I don't have to hide it.

Creativity is breathing for me. And we all know that deep breathing is calming and restorative.

Right?

Returning to the Up Position of the Seesaw

photo from Seesaw of Life - a nice article about failure and success

Writing - and I think creating, in general - is a seesaw ride for some of us.

Or we think it is.

I do, at least.

Today I feel I'm back on the upswing. Yesterday I was holding onto the edge of the dark pit, slipping and yet not letting myself fall, wondering if I could haul my ass out one more time. Wondering if this in and out, up and down - the excited energy of new ideas, then the plummet of self-doubt with or without external ignition - will ever end. Thinking, no, it won't, so what's the use of trying.

Except I do try.

I return to the things I love and I don't give up. The time between the flow of creativity, the sagging lack of confidence or lack of sleep or lack or validation, and the return to writing is shortened; sometimes hours or maybe a day or two. No longer weeks or months of wondering, waiting, trying to ignore the sense that maybe this time writing or theater or art-making and I won't find our way back together.

But I do find the path.

And today I know that this is a cycle.

That periods of not writing don't mean I'm not writing - what I mean is that I'm not putting the words on a page. Paper or computer screen it doesn't matter. If I'm still thinking and open to what surrounds me and ideas are being sparked, then I'm in the process of writing. And rewriting and editing is writing.

I think this lift of the creative teeter totter I've found that little bounce as my butt hits the ground and I rebound into the air, with creativity intact. And realize I've only dipped; not lost.

It's good to be airborne again. To have words back in my pocket and on my screen.

Thank you to writing partners and writing group members and friends. And my partner and Pamela and Bonnie. And all of the other people in my life who help keep me moving forward and help me remember that I can and I am.

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Powerhouse Workshop

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I am delighted to say that today I registered for an amazing workshop in October. I heard about the workshop the weekend I was up in Port Townsend for Lidia Yuknavitch's workshop and knew that I would sign up as soon as I could ... and I did. It is up at Port Townsend, again, through The Writer's Workshoppe.

I am excited, energized, and, oh, I already said excited.

There isn't even a full description of the workshop available yet and I don't care.

The reason? Here is the reason:

Dorothy Allison/Lidia Yuknavitch Weekend!  

        

  Oct 5th and 6th, 2013

 

"We know! We are as thrilled as you are!

Description to be announced soon, but let’s just say this weekend will blow the top of your head off and set your writing on fire. Yes, you can sign up now. $300. This workshop will be limited to 32 participants divided into 2 groups. You will have Lidia Yuknavitch one day and Dorothy Allison the next day. On Saturday night we will have a reading with BOTH OF THEM. "

'Nuf said, right?

I also reconnected with a friend at another friend's wedding on Sunday - who is a writer, among the long list of other talents she has (massage therapist, artist, and more). We discovered that we live about nine blocks from each other. She has a major piece of writing on-hold-in-the-works and we talked about setting up some writing dates. Times where we show up to just write. To support and write. Scheduling may be a challenge but how many times have you read those words in my writing? Many, I know.

I'm writing. Writing is "in the field" so to speak. Creativity is flowing.

And I got a seat with Lidia and Dorothy!

Call me smiley.
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Fighting the Demons #1

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There may only be one in this series of posts. Which makes it not a series, I know. But I do know there is more than one demon battling for time and attention so there is the possibility of writing more than one piece with this title. So I might as well start with #1, right?

This is my way, today, of breaking through the barrier to writing. To write. Just do it. Though I'm not writing on the memoir at this moment, it is forward movement, words coming out through my hands. Writing.

Today the undertow is financial. A harder financial hit than I had originally projected due to a change at my part-time job. A hit from something which has no relationship to how well I do my job, to how much of a team player I am, to how much I follow the rules meet the statistics smile and say thank you or my excellent job performance reviews. It's not even a change in how many hours I work - though that threat is always there on the table and could happen without warning. As this did.

It was a small change and a frustrating process which led to it. And I have to say again that it had nothing to do with job performance and meeting standards and doing my part and more. (And it wasn't just me.)

This one little change has not been so little on the paychecks. Today the second significant reality of that change was realized and the cumulative effect is greater than expected.

But the demon is, again, money. Time and money because when you work part-time for yourself and you work part-time for someone else without benefits or guarantee of hours, time is money. I hate that phrase.

I really hate that phrase because time is also what I need to write. Time is what I need to sleep. To organize things in the house. To read. To go to a movie the theatre dance performance the park walk swim. To do nothing to write to edit revise to write.

The danger in this demon is that at times in the past I have filled my schedule with work to escape the finance demon and I won. But then the writing the doing nothing the sleeping the reading fell silent and my body screamed.

No - let me back up. The demon isn't money - that's the mask it's wearing today. The demon is feeling that I have to do more be more prove my worth. Today it was triggered by being devalued and brushed aside by a system over which I have no control and which does not consider the impact on the individuals only on the system as a whole.

No. I'm not going into more details on what happened. Really, that's irrelevant. It's a corporation thing. And the one I work for is no different. Those of us with a brain are always wary of that proverbial other shoe. This wasn't that.

And just now, as I was looking through my notes on the memoir project I found an earlier note to myself. A reminder I needed to see today: to "keep positivity on my radar" and to "let go of aggravation and despondency." And the phrase I was using in my daily practice at the time, "I am positive and realistic about my good financial situation." This is not an airy fairy lalaland ignore reality chant. Rather, it's a note to my self that it will work out. It has worked out in the near twenty years I've been an interpreter; this is no exception. It's not even a setback except in the moment and the moment will pass.

The demon of self-doubt in the mask of money. Ah, yes, familiar.

Not today.

I won't go into the black hole today. Besides, I'm meeting with my new writing group in half an hour.

See? The demon is, again, vanquished.
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WIP - a book in search of a name

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 The process with the Works In Progress (WIP) writing group seems to be going well. I am submitting two to three chapters each week to the other writers for feedback and receiving the same from each of them. It's nice for many reasons - but one reason is that one person has never read any of my writing so this is all fresh to her.

Which is great.

Another reason is that this timeline we've set up seems to be working well for me in terms of editing. If there were more of us or we were trying to submit more to each other, it would probably be too much. I still usually come in under the word limit we've set; it's how my chapters run. One week I had three chapters but after the editing I was about 1200 words below the limit.

Coming in under the word limit is not a problem.

And there isn't a problem. Let me say that right now. No problem at all.

The editing is going smoothly most of the time. Much better than previous experiences tackling big writing project. And I'm actually enjoying some of the editing process - which is not my norm, and I'm happy about that. Because I am not a spit it out in one draft, have it ready to read, kind of writer. Not that I know any writers like that. I was just remembering a new writer a couple of years ago who was surprised at all the editing and drafts and deletions from the version he typed up; he got over it, though it was a bit of a shock.

I'm editing out some things which I thought were for sure keepers. I've taken out some darlings, for sure. And there are some places where I wonder why I ever wrote it like that.

And I see growth in my writing of this thing over time. I call it a thing because I still hesitate to call it a memoir sometimes. I shouldn't say that out here in the public cyber land, but there you go. I admit it. It's sometimes hard to say that I'm writing a memoir. I'll get over it. (And I'll tell you more about that later - but it's not the point at the moment.)

The writing has changed and that's good. Honestly, it's improved (what a relief, right?). So it feels good to be making some of these edits and the better word and phrase choices sometimes appear on their own; less struggle; they fit.

One dilemma is the title. I don't like it. I thought it was kind of clever and charming and fit so well earlier in the process. But now I'm not sure. No, I don't think it helps make it any clearer and I think it might actually set up some expectations which aren't met because it's not the right title. I've been calling it this since it first became more than a few creative non-fiction/memoir short story pieces and became an It - a Book in Progress.

The book is progressing and it feels good.

And I've decided to just keep on with the editing and rewriting and wait.

A new title will come to me when it's time; when the book is ready to release its name.
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