Writing Breath

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because 
change and patience
color-infused breath dreaming
heart
beat
honor water spirit
creativity in my skin



Redtree Times



Brainy Quote

Pretty Designs

Austin Kleon

#LiveMoreChallenge
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Razor's Edge for 7/13/12

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On Monday, in Radical Writing Advice, I talked about the impermanence of punctuation. I'm not saying there is not a place in writing for punctuation, but I am saying that there are options. There are creative ways to use punctuation and it can be another too we as writers use. For pacing. For tension. For emphasis. And more.

Today I'm continuing on that theme.

Today's Razor's Edge is a challenge. To play with punctuation. Don't worry, you can go back to your usual patterns, be it a graduate degree strict adherence to the rules or line editor preciseness, or rebel to the rules. But let's venture into prose without periods and commas and other textbook markers for a freewrite.

Oay, let's play with punctuation. I've put in a couple of samples below, taken from a short story I'm in the early stages of developing. If you're up for it, try writing without any punctuation, without capitalization. This is what I've done in the first sample below. Or try like I've done in the second sample below, using space to represent the stops and pauses which would usually be filled with punctuation.

After reading the samples, use the picture and the prompt to write. For 10 minutes.

*sample one*

the key card slid smoothly into and out of the slot on top oftthe faux gold security box on the door it was followed by a whir and then silence and the illumination of the central pinhole yellow light in the traffic light pattern on the box yellow damn i said though there was no one around i wouldnt have said it if there was someone nearby it would ruin my image i repositioned my bag on my shoulder as it was slipping toward my elbow and this had the markings of a longer than a quick dash to get into my room i might even have to make a trip to the front desk sigh all i wanted to do was slip into the room change out of this chimp on a rope uniform and crash the bottle of makers mark was calling me from the mini fridge and i could taste the reeds extra ginger brew which was the reason my bag kept sliding towards the floor shit another expletive without an audience ice

*sample two*

the key card slid smoothly into and out of the slot on top of the faux gold security box on the door    it was followed by a whir and then
silence
and the illumination of the central pinhole light in the traffic light pattern on the box      yellow

damn  i said though there was no one around     i would not have said it if there was someone nearby

it would ruin my image.

i repositioned my bag on my shoulder as it was slipping toward my elbow
and this had the markings of a longer than a quick dash to get into my room i might even have to make a trip to the front desk

sigh

all i wanted to do was slip into the room change out of this chimp on a rope uniform
and crash
the bottle of maker s mark was calling me from the mini fridge and      I could taste the reed s extra ginger brew which was the reason my bag kept sliding towards the floor

shit    another expletive without an audience

ice

 
PROMPTS:

As he approached the street corner I noticed . . .
 

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Just 'cuz

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It's important to remember that there are different perspectives in almost any situation. When talk gets loud and emotions are revved, there may be more to the story or missing information.

I've learned to recognize the signs of potential emotionally charged information and to step back. Take a breath. And see what else is out there to support or dispute or simply add to my body of knowledge. After a little research, I think I can say that the X and Y situation is no different than previous summer's. I'm not passing judgment on the rightness or wrongness, so to speak, but saying that this is where we have chosen to work and this is how it goes; no worse than previous summers and unfortunately no better.

So while I wish the Big They would change for the better in this particular area, this is what it is. The threat is not new and not worse - it just is. What others have been saying isn't wrong, but it is more complicated and there are other perspectives and other information.

So, just breathe and hold onto my goals and intentions.

And writing. Did I tell you that writing helps relieve stress and helps the negativity move through so it doesn't get stuck and become something worse? It does. And so I write.

Another video below to go with today's update.





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Being Open and Noticing

There are times of energy shift, more than most of us notice, I believe.

And there are times of energy shift when something is happening and we feel it, though we aren't sure what is happening.

Then there are times that the energy shifts and we know it. In the cells of our bones and our organs and processes, we feel the movements and the winds and we go with it. Or maybe resist.

So it is right now - a time of transition. As we walk toward spring and return to light. As we emerge from darkness and seeds start to sprout.

Recently I've been working on metabolizing anger and releasing it. Sometimes using Tonglen to move it through so it doesn't get stuck and come out in other ways. Sometimes using energy protocols with hand mudras - breathing, visualization. All to move forward and heal and walk my true path.

An added bonus to this work is being open. These last couple of weeks I have gathered pieces of conversations, from Starbucks and Sushi Hana and Poppa's Haven and outside the library while driving to work listening to an interview of an author on NPR. Bits of talk and observations and ideas coming to me and I send myself an email to my special folder where the ideas are saved. I now have over 200 of these bits of collected inspirations.

Approaching spring.

Thinking about my future.

Looking into options of what I want to do next.

And along come story ideas. Poetry ideas. A title. A character. A line.

Energy. Open. Light.

Spaciness may be an Incorrect Label

I was talking with my therapist and I was feeling kind of "spacey." My label for what I was experiencing. She asked if perhaps it was because my world is expanding - opening up - I'm seeing more possibilities.

No, she didn't pull those things out of the air. These are some of the topics we've been discussing in therapy - things I've been experiencing. An outgrowth of the daily gratitude practice I'm doing (it's still new - don't push me, folks, I don't have it down yet; but I'm getting there). And a benefit of my medical wake up call in October. And more sleep. I can't discount the benefits of enough sleep.

My therapist was right. As I checked in with myself I realized that there are some gaps in the fences I've built - mostly to protect myself or to, in my opinion, keep my life from getting out of control. Boundaries. Except the boundaries were serving the purpose of reining me in and not necessarily to keep out the people or things which could be harmful or bring about negative consequences.

Skillful means. That's another way to say it. I have very skillful means and have survived and done well. Not perfect by any means and that's ok - the goal isn't perfection. But one issue is that some of my skillful means are a little outdated. So I'm working on that.

I'm expanding my world of possibilities. More room to breathe. Yes, you can already see the connection if you've been following any of my posts since early October. Breathing space. Yes.

Included in that breathing space is me, sleep, writing, interpreting, theater, teaching/mentoring, and general creativity. And the one thing I still don't have enough of and am finding out what suits me best - just plain ol' down time. Time to rejuvenate. To percolate. To let the world swirl around me and see what presents itself. Hanging out time can be creative or at least inspirational. I want more of that; need more of that.

So - looking outward, looking ahead. Opening up. And breathing.

Writing my way into spacious creativity and expansive possibilities. And continuing my practice of daily gratitude.
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Feeling Humbled By Recent Events

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elated by the news that I am done with the injections
and can skip today's planned trip to the lab
for another blood draw

nod my head to the phone when the pro-time nurse tells me
today 4 pills, tomorrow 3 pills
then we'll see
no lab today but yes tomorrow

another call from my insurance/care-center needing
to schedule a test with a long intimidating name
the test requires
no prep
it's another examination in an attempt to determine
why I
an otherwise healthy person who was at low risk
for this event -
why
it happened

I don't want anything more to be wrong and
everything points to everything being fine
except
these two spots
on the CT exam
which stole my breath away

the doctors want to know why
I just want them to go away
I just want to return to
normal, my normal

breathing returns
energy is still lagging
stairs are so much easier
and each day I meditate with hand mudras
visualize
my body's terror when I couldn't breathe
washing away
breath
calm
spots dissolving or being absorbed; shrinking

recovering

grateful to be alive
grateful for this strong body and organs
which kept going and are
healing
grateful for my partner
my friends
my life

and sleep
which I think is my greatest healer

breath
strength
returning
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a word
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Returning to the Rest of My Life

Tomorrow I return to one of my part-time jobs. It's the first time back to work since being in the hospital last week. I've been following doctor's instructions, resting, not pushing myself. Checking in with my body and my breathing.

I had to cancel part of my work on Friday and set up an alternative venue for teaching. I can't navigate the campus, the standing, the movement between rooms, and the energy level of teaching. So I will be holding class via phone conference instead of in person.

I think tomorrow will be okay, as I'm sitting most of the time, except for breaks. And the breaks are necessary - my doctor suggests taking breaks every 30 minutes, since sitting a long time would be contraindicated for my condition. And standing? No, I can't do that for a long time, either; also contraindicated. So, the breaks I would take each hour, I will divide in half and take every 30 minutes.

These days, my life seems to be made up of scheduling time for medication, time for lab work, now time for breaks. Noticing how I feel - closely.

Time.

Time to step back into work life. And continue paying attention. To notice if I get tired, if my breathing changes, if I need a break.

Time. Rest. Return.

Writing. Reading. Thinking.

Breathing.
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Moving Forward

It's been a rough couple of weeks - which has affected my writing and energy and, well, everything.

While not a fun experience, I at least now know what was causing the health issue and I have started treatment to eradicate it. I've been trying to pay attention to everything, including my body any my schedule and my sleep. And I made a wrong guess about something a couple weeks ago. Then yesterday, it all came to a head and, when I passed out in the college parking lot between my car and the one next to it, I knew I had to stop going on my assumption and get myself into Urgent Care or ER. It turned out that my insurance provider didn't have any urgent care clinics I could get to before they closed; which was probably for the best, since I really did need the ER. Hours and tests later and there was a diagnosis - without a cause, but a diagnosis. And I was admitted. More tests.

And it's true that hospitals are not a good place to rest or get sleep. So many comings and goings, checking stats, and then the sounds in the hall and other patients and everything. Sleep - not so much.

They did release me this afternoon - another test of patience. But I got out and am home. With instructions to not work until Thursday. And with medications - one of them very expensive and I don't have prescription coverage (I rarely take medications, so it was cost effective for me to get the plan without prescriptions; even with the  high cost of one of today's drugs, it's worth the lower monthly cost).

Kaiser was actually very good. Everyone - with the exception of one snarky technician in the ER - was friendly and helpful and listened. I felt like I got very good care, and they paid attention to my needs.

So - back to writing. I've been doing less because I've had no energy. Now I have several days ahead where I've been instructed to take it easy, increase activity slowly, cautiously, and stop if any symptoms worsen or a couple of specific ones appear.

Maybe - just maybe - once I catch up on sleep after being home, I'll be able to get a little more writing done.

But, for now, I need to recover some rest and sleep time.

A Time of Change and Wonder

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My massage therapist, Cydney, moved away last week; she closed her practice the week before that. I've known for a month that she was leaving and was able to get one final visit with her in her last week. She was amazingly gifted, insightful, intuitive and had helped me so much over the years I'd been seeing her.

My previous massage therapist, Simone, who I'd been working with for a number of years - first as a colleague at the health care clinic, then as my massage therapist - committed suicide. She was also very sensitive and intuitive, but she didn't have the tools to protect herself and there are many details I don't know. She went through a tough time due to a mental health condition and took time off work. She went back to a small private practice and not too long afterward, she killed herself. It was traumatic for many in our community. Many questions, no answers.

I got a referral to Cydney from someone I trust; Cydney has been an amazing massage therapist/body worker. So, while the transition to a new LMT was unexpected and the circumstances were emotionally hard, all turned out well.

Cydney's reasons for leaving are vastly different - she is very much alive and thriving. And it was still unexpected and I wasn't ready to change. But she did give me some names of other massage therapists in the area, told me about how they work and gave me recommendations. She put a lot of time and thought into making good referral matches for her clients.

I talked to Cydney's top two referrals for me on the phone. I'd scheduled an appointment with the first person - but after I talked with the second LMT, it "felt right" - more right than the first person, whom I'm sure is skilled and would do good work (and was highly recommended by Cydney, too).

So the end of last week I went for the appointment with the new LMT, Daria, and - wow. Her work was amazing. I feel that she was definitely the right choice for me and all of my nervousness about starting over with someone new has dissipated. I think this new bodywork experience is going to take me into a new direction and a new relationship with my body. I would have happily continued with Cydney and am going to miss her - and this feels like a right and good transition.

And I also would like to tell Cydney "thank you," for allowing me the opportunity to heal from my transition to her by providing an opportunity to transition out to a new LMT in a healthy, thoughtful, and respectful way. I don't blame Simone - I know she suffered and she did a lot of good for a lot of people, she was very kind and loving and caring, almost too much so for her own good; but it was hard to lose her as a friend and provider. I didn't realize there was a little residue of the loss of Simone until Cydney told me she was moving away; now I feel I've had the opportunity to heal that residue.

I'm not exactly clear how this relates to writing at this moment - except that it is another life lesson. And don't all life lessons help the writers and artists and dancers and actors? Even the CEOs if they'll listen, and anyone with a creative bone in their body?

Maybe this lesson, for me, is about being open to change. That saying about one door closing is the opportunity to open a new door. I know that's my own spin on the words, but that's how it is for me. Because I have been locked in the old place, shut in the room feeling like there is no way out, worried that if XYZ falls apart/falls through/breaks down then my whole life-system will crash and I'll have nothing.

So maybe now is the time to take this example and say, okay. There are options. Even tragedy, like Simone's death, can lead to a new opportunity. And sadness, like Cydney leaving town, can turn out to be an opportunity for growth and change I didn't even know was possible or needed.

And I wonder about other opportunities - presented or not yet, taken or avoided, how a loss is actually an opening to something else.

I have an application in for a program (IPRC's printing & publishing for writers) and am waiting for an answer; the deadline isn't until July 30th - I applied early. I really want to do this program - and I have this amazing clarity that whatever their decision, it will be the right thing for me right now. Yes, I want it; yes, I'm hoping they accept me; yes, it would be absolutely great and there would be so many opportunities opened up because of this new knowledge and skill set. And, if the answer is "not now" - I will be okay and there will be reason.
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Tonglen - or Tong Lin - for Healing

Pema Chodron has many teachings - I almost typed Buddhist teachings, because she is and the teachings are. But I believe her teachings are not just for Buddhists; and I think she would agree, but I can't be certain except in my heart. There are many books of her teachings and videos. She is wise and compassionate.

I have subscribed to an email list which sends out weekly excerpts of her teachings. Some of these I have in the books I own or have read elsewhere. And sometimes just the perfect teaching shows up in my email inbox.

Today as I searched for a video to post, I thought of her. One of the videos which came up was the one below - about Tonglen (the spelling I've usually seen - although here they spelled it Tong Lin). This is something I needed right now and I need to share this with my readers, too.

She explains what Tong Lin is for those who don't know and then you will do it. It's simple. It's powerful.


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Space

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Feeling spacey versus feeling spacious.
Feeling coherent versus feeling excited.

An exploration. Perhaps they are the same - no, not the same. Perhaps one is being mistaken for the other and perhaps that's okay. It's a matter of learning and growing. Of sorting.

A process of knowing what is a truth. Not *the* truth - but a truth.
Of being present and recognizing what is.
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Spaciousness in writing.
Spaciousness in walking.
Spaciousness in creating.
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Open the door and let me breathe.
I think I'm tired of the constraints.
I know I'm tired of looking out before checking within.

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Breath.
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Body.
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Wholeness.
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breathe

- Half marathon? check.
- NaNoWriMo 50,000 words? check.
- Facilitator bag returned to Write Around Portland? check. (Minus my prompts sheets; need to mail them; they got lost in a tumble of paperwork.)
- Students' final assignments graded? check. Final grades submitted? check check.
- Relay team registered, campsite reserved, shirts ordered? checkity check check.
- Play interpreted? done.
- The term is done now. The semester ends this week. Then I have two weeks until the term starts and I will be teaching 2 practicum courses and a process course.

Um.

Breathe. More to go but for the moment - breathe.

Today I met with a writing friend for the first time in a month - it was great. It's been a long month. I hadn't picked up my NaNoNovel -which isn't done- since Thanksgiving; it was still sitting at 51,546. And that's okay. I added a little to it today and had a couple ideas. It felt good to write. I also prepared another flash fiction piece for a competition - but they don't accept online submissions, so I have to wait until I get home and can print it and mail it with a check.

Breathe.

Some parts of the Portland metro area had snow/ice issues on Saturday. One of them was the national certification testing site. Two people's tests were postponed. There's more to the story, but the tests have to be done this week. I am a "local testing administrator." I had an evening free. Now I don't; which is fine - I'm doing it for my profession and the communities we serve.

Breathe.

Friday through Monday I will be off work. Trying to not work; to not prepare for the classes I will be teaching winter term. Trying to rest and sleep and get back some motivation for doing the things I love.

Is this the winter blues? Or is this the post big event let down - which happens for many after NaNoWriMo and, I'm guessing, after marathons. I think that's it.

A few days. Breathe. Sleep. Watch the ocean's ebb and flow. Sleep. Breathe.

A little time away. To slow down.

Breathe.

2009: New Beginnings

New President. New Year.

Same old gray and rainy Oregon weather - only more of it. The flooding which was expected not to happen is. The temperatures rose faster than expected and there is much more rain than predicted and part of Coast Highway 101 was closed today due to there being a foot of standing water on the road. Drivers could not even see the road. And flood watches around Portland and across the state.

Right now it is raining so hard that our normally outdoor cat, who is just itching for a good fight, went out on the front porch and just sat on the mat. Everything is soaked and large drops are falling rapidly. Lester just sat there in as small as ball as he could make himself and waited for one of us to open the door.

What the wet has to do with new beginnings is, well, nothing!

Some things change. Some stay the same. Change is constant, like breathing. Snow, rain, sun, wind. Seasons.

A new year and a chance to say, "okay, this time I will ____" and insert what the next project will be.

For me, it seems that 2009 will be the year of relationships and not doing everything alone. A little scary - but one new type of work I'm doing puts me in an environment where I am working with other interpreters, and dragon boats is, of course, a team effort. And scheduling more time with partner. Happy sigh.

colorado: day 2

I know I haven't posted a Day One. Oh, well. I thought about it, but didn't have an ethernet cord when I arrived and there is no wireless where I'm staying. So, no Day One - though I did write some in my journal and may post it later.

I'm not intending this to become a travelogue, though there will be updates which may or may not be daily. I arrived in Colorado yesterday near noon and in Greeley by 3 pm. Tomorrow I start at 8 am for the first faculty meeting and that meeting/training continues to Saturday. The actual classes with the students starts next Monday.

Today was really hot, yet I still got in my exercise. Good for me and whew, with the altitude and the minimal shade on the walk back, it was slow going. But, as my walking partner says, my lungs should be pretty strong when I get back home and the killer hils and stairs we've been tackling should be much easier.

Other than this post, I haven't written today. Trying to get settled in, get my account numbers so I can get online, after I purchased the ethernet cord which was after I found the coffee shop. Trying to bring in some food so I don't have to eat out every meal : partly the expense and partly the time and primarily because it's healthier to not!

I'm hoping to get a feel for if the increased structure of this teaching/mentoring job will be a benefit to writing or not. Not the teaching part - but the structure part. I know it's not quite equitable since I'm away from home and, therefore, the added responsibilities of an old cat, a soon-to-be adopted cat (or should I say a new cat who adopted us - it wasn't our plan!), relationship, house, car, etc. But I hope to get a feel for it.

breathing space

Today I worked in the yard with a friend's help. This was our exercise for today - instead of another hill climb or tackling stairs, we tackled some unknown weed, vinca major/minor (it was planted so long ago I can't remember which), rhododendron killing weedy plants, rhodies, hydrangeas, and whatever else stood between me and a cozy back yard.

As my friend trimmed the 80+ year-old light blue hydrangea, I tackled the needs-to-be-dead-headed nearly as old rhody. Each of these plants lives at one end of the cement porch and both had tendrils reaching halfway across the porch's span.

I also took a weed-whacker to the flowerbed (well, it used to be) under the blooming cherry tree, and then raked.

With the overgrown shrubbery held a little in check, I felt like the house could breathe a little better. From the back porch, I could see to the back fence and the former garden, which is currently a weed patch, though we began that working on that area, as well, later in the day. Standing on the porch, the gigantic hydrangea which had been devouring one end and the rhododendron which had bitten off the other end were reduced to plants, not house-eating monsters. The beds of weeds were now bare patches of earth, with creeping vinca, and still striving ferns despite the neglect (or maybe because of neglect!).

We moved the two faded plastic yard chairs and the stained with dirt plastic table to a shaded area under the tree. The furniture was ugly, but represented what can be.

The houses breathed.

The plants breathed.

We breathed.

And I was, again, reminded of that old saying, "can't see the forest for the trees." When we broke it down into pieces, we were able to accomplish a lot in six hours; when I had previously looked at each weed and each died-off flower on the rhody, I felt only overwhelmed. It was hopeless. Sometimes we need to clear our mind from similar debris, to make room for breathing. And when we breathe, we write better because we think better and we can see the possibilities.

What are your weeds? Where are your overgrown energies and do they need to be there? Or can you trim them down to size and see what else is there?