Monday, April 30, 2012

A Test of Wills or a Test of Faith

If this is a test, I'd like it to be done.

There are a few conflicting things happening in my life right now and I was getting a handle on things, having faith that things would work out for the best. Really, I was holding on to the belief that all would be okay.

I made out a scheduling/life template and believed in it; I just wrote it out the middle of last week. Then I found out some information which has the potential to disrupt everything. It's a row of dominoes. I was thinking maybe a house of cards, but the dominoes are stronger and can withstand more - so I'll go with the dominoes image. If X happens at VRS, then that has the potential to reduce $ by a significant amount. In order to improve the $ picture, I have to add more Y to the schedule. But if X is reduced and Y increased, it has to be exponentially increased because of some other losses which are attached to X. And if X and Y happen, then my template won't work. And if I try to stick to the template, then $ will definitely be decreased and some of the things on the template will be impossible.

Really. I'm not making this up.

Writing is on my template. More than I've been doing: dedicated, specified time to write and revise and submit.

Sleep is on my template. Enough sleep is an option with parameters. A couple of times when I've slipped below the minimum, I've known, my body has let me know that I can't do that any more. So sleep really is non-negotiable. No more 4- to 5-hour sleep nights.

Work is on my template. Yes, indeed.

And time off. Including trying to get two days off together in every week. Well, let's say most weeks. Which includes trying to get one day off each week where I don't have appointments to go to; not just time off from work. Time with friends and partner and time for fun. And activity: walking, swimming, hiking, kayaking.

This new news isn't good news. Not terrible; I'm not losing my job. But it's a really bad time and it's not just me saying "oh this is awful and I need to add more hours." It's real. And if the information turns out to be true, I should know within a week and I will have to give up: some time off, or blocks of dedicated writing time, or time with my partner, play time. I can't cut down the sleep or health care.

I had a plan. A good plan; reasonable. Reasonable for everyone and not just me.

And I think about people who wonder why workers lose faith and commitment to the giant corporations for which they work. This is one. There is no reciprocity and I keep thinking that I know that, but I keep getting taken by surprise. I keep thinking that being really good at what I do, going along with the numbers and the changing rules, being honest and dedicated to what I'm doing will matter; not in a kiss-up, brown-nosing kind of way but in a commitment to doing this job well. And maybe it does matter to the clients - I hope. But I keep feeling like I am just a number at work and a number which can be replaced.

I think about being flexible. I am flexible; I like some variety. Yes. But a good friend once said, "I'm flexible until I snap." I think of it like a plastic debit/credit card, or a piece of wire: you can bend it and bend it and bend it back again until one day it snaps; no more flexibility. I'm getting frustrated with the bending and won't snap - but I may lose some flexibility.

I want to hold on to the serenity I've found and believe in the good in people (and there are people behind the giant corporation walls, right?) and to hold on to hope that things can be okay without doing what isn't healthy for me.


So I'll just keep writing. Not just about this, I promise. But if I keep writing then it keeps moving through.

And I can retain my resiliency.

And if this rumor/threat comes into being, it may push me back up on that ledge where possibilities live and the corporation goes back to being the safety net and not a false sense of security.

Writing. Where life happens. Where the Chi flows and stagnancy is prevented.

And, for fun, a video as a reminder to myself and to others who may be living/working under similar circumstances. Enjoy!