Friday, September 28, 2018

A Ripple in the Wave : Why I Didn't

"how do we endure this (over and over again again again again)? we take turns until there are so many of us the wave cannot be stopped." - Lidia Yuknavitch

I am a part of the wave. I am treading water to keep afloat; and I will. I'm very good at the dog paddle, even if it means it takes me longer to arrive.

   by Dot Hearn

[in no particular order]
{an incomplete list}

My skirt was above my knees.
It was almost dark.
He was my best friend's friend.

My mother said about girls in too tight clothes, "she was asking for it."
My father said when a woman was attacked at a bar, "she knew better than to go to that place."
My teachers said in the 5th grade girls secret class about periods and sex and appropriate behavior, "girls must keep their legs crossed."

He said he couldn't live without me and they would separate us if they knew.
He was going to be my husband.
He was my husband.

I thought he was cute so it was my fault.

I didn't want to wake the other people sleeping in the tent.

I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he said he loved me.

I was drunk.

He was drunk.

My mother was always suspicious of men, yet always blamed the women when something actually happened.

My mother didn't believe me when I cut my thumb on a razor and it was bleeding.
My mother didn't believe me when I rammed into the back of a parked car on a borrowed boys' bike and told her I was bleeding in my underwear.

He didn't actually get me into the car, though he tried; I should have ignored his question.

My parents would say I shouldn't have taken the shortcut through the trees from the low-rent apartments to the pizza parlor.

"I tried to warn you but you wouldn't listen," my mother would have said, and added, "Are you sure?"

Because I left my body and my mind locked away the details before someone found me tied to the tree in the middle of the elementary school track.