Monday, January 26, 2009

turning toward center

Again I find myself spiraling out into the world. I start misremembering appointment times or write them down wrong or even glance at my schedule and still am an hour late. And I think, "thankfully it wasn't a job."

I start stealing from sleep because the assignments need to be graded before the next ones are due - out of fairness to the students. Or I have to send an email to the person who contacted me about a work proposal and they need a fee quote. And soon it's three in the morning and I have to be somehwere at eleven, or nine.

Then there's the writing workshop I'm loving and that's what I desperately want to do. So I steal some more sleep time or cut 30 minutes from my exercise time, which is already reduced in frequency. I want to give feedback to everyone but only have time for the requisite three. Okay, so I squeezed in one more because her writing was so well done and it really touched me.

And the play. I love the theatrical work and this one is long. Great but long. Which multiplies exponentially when prepping for a show. In just a few days that will be done and I will have a couple evenings a week and another 15+ hours a week for other things. Patience. Sometimes being at the end of a big project goes very slowly. And I wonder if I need to do less theatrical interpreting for a year or two, take a break. I've been here with theater before - as stage manager or director or other crew.

And I'm trying to find my way back toward center. Back to the desire I found in Oaxaca, to the hopes I found before that. Back to time for me that is not taken from elsewhere. Workouts that aren't rushed or doubled up as rehearsal. Appointments with the trainer where I have time to shower and change and eat lunch somewhere other than driving to the next thing.

Again, here I am. Wondering where that central ground is. No longer searching for balance or perfection (whew!), but looking for that area where life is more comfortable. Where I can write without guilt or my internal project manager breathing down my neck to hurry up. Where I can have a couple days off in a row and maybe even a third day now and then, for added fun and a little escape. A central ground where there is room for times when I have to or want to work a little extra (how many hours to be able to buy the plane ticket to Albuquerque and rent a car to Taos?). A comfortable fluid place where breathing is easy and laughter happens regularly, and I don't need to trade sleep for creativity.