Writing Breath

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because 
change and patience
color-infused breath dreaming
heart
beat
honor water spirit
creativity in my skin



Redtree Times



Brainy Quote

Pretty Designs

Austin Kleon

#LiveMoreChallenge
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Doorways and Wonders

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On the threshhold of change.

No - passing through the doorway.

The difficulty? Not knowing what is on the other side. Not exactly. Not quite enough. Ideas, yes; hopes, some; intent, absolutely. But one milestone achieved and isn't it those moments when possibilities are open and options exist and there is time to wonder and explore and consider, that it feels almost too overwhelming tinged with fear and excitement, maybe a touch of anxiety (for some of us - yes, for me).

Then I come here and I see that it has been ttwo weeks since I posted anything. Two very busy and blessed weeks of theatre.

Oh, yes, now I remember. A bit of this wonder and restlessness is the post-show let down. Times two. I just finished two very different and challenging and wonderful plays (one of them is running through next weekend; see it if you haven't - it is truly a Must See, "In the Next Room, or the vibrator play" at Profile Theatre).

All is well. Yes, I know this feeling now.

The writing and exercise will return to their rightful places soon.

Maybe I should do Camp NaNoWriMo in July to get the writing habit reinstated, since I only have one interpreted performance in July. Maybe. It's a possibility.
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Leaves on the Ground

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It's funny how quickly the air changes. Yes, I know, it really wasn't quick, it changes all the time, it's only my noticing that changes. 

First it's hot and it's dry and it's summer and each molecule is warmed by the sun, each particle on my skin feels like summer and hot.

Then it doesn't.

Like that.

Like - hey, it's September, welcome. 

It is darker earlier. I did notice that several weeks ago. When the other interpreter and I were preparing for the interpreted performance of Twelfth Night in Bend. On Fridays and Saturdays we went to different wineries to see the play. Same show, different location, different days.

And over those three weekends, the footlights came on a little earlier in the play than they had the week before. So I noticed the light shifting.

Then the fourth week, in Bend, the lights came on at intermission.

I see that our temperatures are headed back up for this weekend. And that's good. My tomatoes could use a few more days of heat, they are already slowing their production.

I haven't had enough of the sweet, round, deliciousness. Each day when I pick the golden orange and red cherry tomatoes, half of them make it to the house. And I remember, again, why I don't eat fresh tomatoes very often at other times of the year. It is hard to find a tomato - cherry or full-size - at other times which taste as good as the ones I planted and tended and picked. And popped right into my mouth direct from the vine.

So the air. Now. There are still waves and layers of warm. But the cooler bits are present as well. 

Heat layers warmth and dry puffs mix with molecules of wetter composition. I can smell it. I feel it on my skin.

The calendar tells me it is still summer.

The leaves already beginning to fall tell me it is the edge of autumn.

My skin says, stay present with whatever it is. 

Cool warm sun cloud water. 

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Incomplete Thoughts and More Questions

I thought I'd go ahead and throw this out there, even though I don't have the answer. Only questions. Only observations. Only wondering.

A number of months ago I was waiting for someone to show up at a rehearsal site. The studio was in one of those places where there are rows of businesses in what look like storage units or offices with accompanying garages. One of the businesses was, of course, a personal training/workout studio.

While I was waiting the personal trainer came out with two clients. I watched as he barked orders at them, as they said "yes, sir" and performed tasks which appeared to be questionable for one of them. I saw one of the clients in obvious distress, saw him say something to the trainer, saw the trainer be demeaning and belittling and the guy said, "yes, sir."

My thought when I watched the tyrannical personal trainer was that, at least in BDSM, there is a safe word. With personal trainers there is only, "yes, sir."

I've listened to snippets of self-help gurus who use prejudicial language, who put themselves above others as the experts and who challenge and bully their followers into submission. Or so it seems.

Recently I started reading a book which seemed to have a different approach. At first. But then she started in with the same language. Discriminatory. Belittling. Blame the follower, the victim, the oppressed.

I understand that there are difficult decisions to make in life sometimes. More times than we'd like. That sometimes we have to sacrifice. That life isn't always easy. That we do have to look at ourselves with honesty and admit what we can do and what we can't do.

But I wonder: do people have to do it through shame and guilt and being bullied? I do believe it is possible to make these same changes in more positive, supportive, healthful ways. Then my thoughts go to the opposite end (sort of), the you-can-manifest-anything-if-you-think-hard-enough end of the Change Your Life industry. And I think that, my desires and needs interact with others' desires and needs and sometimes we don't always get what we want no matter how hard we close our eyes and center our hearts and wish because sometimes needs conflict or sometimes what we think we need isn't the thing we really need or our need will unknowingly make another person's more necessary need impossible and so it goes 'round and 'round.

Where is the in between of trainer-without-a-safe-word and lala-manifesting-life-vending-machine?

I do know there is not one answer for all people and all situations. Each person has unique needs and resources. Each person has approaches which work or don't work. I know there are some more "middle ground" trainers/teachers/speakers/authors. And it seems that the middle ground people tend towards one side or the other.

My incomplete thought has not been clarified as I write this. I am no closer to an answer than when I began - I am actually farther away. I see more questions with each thing I write and I see where there is some truth in most of the approaches -- although I still don't care for either of the far ends of the spectrum : too whip-carrying tyrant or too blink-and-it's-yours hopeful.

Maybe we need to stop looking outside of ourselves for the answer.

And maybe we need to stop thinking it is going to be quick and easy.

And I do acknowledge that even being able to contemplate these questions is significant. I know there are people for whom survival is their daily reality and making change means getting themselves, family, friends, to safety.

Which brings me back to my original thought: why would a person willingly let themselves be bullied into making change?

No answer. More questions.

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