Blanket Tour stop - "Healing With Words: A Writer's Cancer Journey"

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I wrote today's post as part of the WOW-Women on Writing Blanket Tour for Healing with Words: A Writer's Cancer Journey by Diana M. Raab, MFA, RN (www.dianaraab.com).  The book includes Diana's experiences, reflections, poetry and journal entries, in addition to writing prompts for readers to express their own personal stories. A survivor of both breast cancer and multiple myeloma, Raab views journaling to be like a daily vitamin--in that it heals, detoxifies and is essential for optimal health. Diana, the author of eight books, spent 25 years as a medical and self-help writer before turning to poetry and memoir. She teaches creative journaling and memoir in UCLA Extension Writers' Program. If you comment on today's post you'll be entered to win a copy of Healing with Words: A Writer's Cancer Journey. To read Diana's post about breast cancer and a list of other blogs participating in Diana's Blanket Tour visit The Muffin.

A few MissFit Dragons (2009)

on a Willamette Valley wine tour

L-R: Nikki, me, Karen, Debbie, Gayle

When I selected as one of the writers for the Blanket Tour I was thrilled - and I had the perfect story. My friend, Debbie, had just undergone a double mastectomy, following a hysterectomy two months earlier.  Her test results were positive for BRCA2, those at highest risk for certain cancers - including breast and ovarian. Several years ago she did have breast cancer, went through treatment, and was considered cancer-free. But breast cancer is prevalent in her family history and she decided to take the test.

Debbie wasn't shocked by the results - and, from what I saw, her decision was made quickly to go ahead with the surgeries. I do not mean that her decision was rushed or made without thought. No; Debbie had already thought about it and researched the options and when she got her results she had a pretty good idea what she wanted to do. She talked with her doctor and with surgeons. What I mean is that she was sure of her decision and sure of her research. She didn't need to waiver long because she already knew the statistics, knew her family history, had already gone through a bout of cancer and recovery.

I asked Debbie if she was willing to share her story - whatever part of it she wanted to share. She said "sure" with a smile and the bubbling energy she spreads wherever she goes. We set a date for dinner and an interview.

Life went on. Debbie's drainage tubes were removed little by little, as the sites healed. She recovered from the surgery. The weeks of dinners brought by friends daily stopped. The daughter who'd come home to help care for her returned to college. Debbie returned to work. Then the two of us met to talk about her decision process and feelings.

Debbie arrived about five minutes after me.

ME:
Hi, Debbie. Hey, thanks for agreeing to do this. I really appreciate it.

DEBBIE:
Sure; no problem.

ME:
Do you want a drink? I just ordered a Bloody Mary. I was thinking about the Cajun one - but thought the jalapeno vodka might be a bit too spicy.

DEBBIE:
Yeah. (The waitress approached.) I'd like a Pale Ale. What do you have on tap?

The drinks came. We talked about Debbie's return to work and the co-worker that was being a bit of a pain. Debbie's phone buzzed and she checked the screen. With an apology.

DEBBIE:
My dog went in for joint surgery today and the vet is supposed to be calling me about now. Sorry.

ME:
No problem; of course.

She took her phone and the conversation to the front of the restaurant. When she returned we talked about her dog's surgery. The expense of it, but how she couldn't say no; Chelsea had been with her for 14 years. We talked about how her ex- probably caused the problem which led to the joint pain which led to the surgery. About how she doubted he would help pay for the $3,500 surgery.

Next we talked about the dragon boat team where we met and of which we are both still members. I asked if she'll be back as a paddler or as the coach's assistant (she seems to get sick or need surgery near the big race every year; the coach has joked that, to keep Debbie healthy, maybe she should just be the assistant to the coach and avoid the illnesses).

I asked her if she was considering joining next year's Cascade Lakes Relay walking team; she was one of our inaugural members in 2009. She didn't really answer and I let it go. I'd love to have her back; she was a lot of fun to be stuck with in a van for 33 hours. And I'm sincere in that comment.

We talked about the quickly approaching DVD release and reunion party of the group of 19 of us who rafted down the Grand Canyon for 8 days this last July. Debbie and I shared tents a couple of times - me, as a place to change since I slept on the beach every night; Debbie, as a place to sleep, with the flaps open to the river.

We talked about her ex. Money. Theories for caring for elderly or aging pets.

The mistakes of the night nurse when Debbie was recovering in the hospital. The kindness of the day nurse. The hurried assessment by one doctor, which led to the failure/death of one of her reconstructed breasts. About her biggest complaint: that her breasts are too large - the doctor was supposed to make them smaller than her originals.

We ate dinner.

Nikki joined us, thinking we'd be done with the interview by that time, and we moved up the street to Journeys, a comfortable community bar. Where we talked about how to get Debbie's ex to help pay for the dog's surgery. About how Debbie should get not just reimbursed from the first botched hysterectomy by an incompetent doctor, but also for some pain and suffering because she did.

Then it was time for me to leave to go to work.

DEBBIE:
But we didn't talk about my decision. Why or how.

ME:
I'll call you or send you an email. It's okay.

DEBBIE:
But you bought my dinner.

ME:
I bought your dinner because you're my friend. It's okay. I enjoyed our talk.

And it's true.

I realized that I don't need to just write about Debbie's breasts, her cancer journey. Though I could - and I might later. Debbie was inspired by another woman's story and Debbie might want to share her own - I'd be happy to help her in that process. Debbie is a brave woman - thorough, a positive outlook on life, a good friend.

Debbie sets a good example by living her life to the best of her ability. Meeting each moment straight on. By being a friend. By being, well, Debbie.

Yes, she had cancer. Yes, she has the BCRA2 DNA. Yes, she had a hysterectomy, a double mastectomy, breast reconstructive surgery and will have to have another surgery later because one of them failed, because her chance of getting cancer again was nearly a fore drawn conclusion.

But Debbie is not the cancer she had nor the genes that showed up on the test.

Debbie is a well-rounded person with a full life - who also happens to be a survivor.

*Remember: you can win a free copy of Diana Raab's book by leaving a comment. Winner will be randomly chosen on October 25th*
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The Body and The Pen

During a job recently, the client was busy with an independent project and I was reading the September 2010 issue of The Writer. One particular article caught my attention: "An essayist finds her stride" by Jenny Rough. She wrote about learning to skull and her writing. Learning to skull and, as her instructor put it, be in flow with the water. She went on and told about her learning curve with paddling, the seeking and failing and trying again, and the moment when she felt that connection. I leave the article reading to you. Nice parallels. It made me think about my current situation and lessons.

I made some notes to write this post.

A few hours later I arrived at my second job. On my first break I went into my blog reader to see what other people have been posting. That day's post from WOW: Women on Writing, was called Writing is Exhilarating and is about, yes, the challenges and thrills of physical activities and writing - similarities.

I knew that I definitely was going to follow through with this post. 

I have been exploring the connections and interdependent influences of movement, of physical activity, and writing. Really, of creativity in general; but my creative focus is writing, so that is what I write about.

I've done three of the Paddling Poet workshops with Ridgefield Kayak in Ridgefield, WA. These have been amazing and inspiring. Participants who have never written but wanted to and didn't know how, wrote. One person who said she was not a poet but loves to read it started taking notes as instructed and after a few minutes exclaimed, "I wrote a poem!" She was floating in her kayak in the middle of Lake River.

Movement. Being outside with the elements. Or inside with the people. Walking, hiking, crunching through snow, sloshing in puddles, thwacking through the mud, swishing through pines/bamboo/cottonwoods/red-leaf maples - moving with the wind, the sun, the clouds, paddling the river. Inspiration, moving through, flowing. That connection Ms. Rough was seeking and achieved. I have felt it, too.

Right now, though, I'm dealing with the reverse. Last week I made the decision to not do Portland's first half marathon. Yes, I was one of the first to sign up when it became available and I was excited. I thought I'd beat my Seattle half marathon time; I had lots of time to train; I was determined.

It's been a series of small setbacks this year. I bounced back from the ten weeks of "Northwest Crud" as it became known, last winter into spring. I was definitely behind on training and slow to get back into it. But I did get back to a level where I could do the Cascade Lakes Relay - which was awesome, again - and I beat my times for last year, which was a surprise.

I was dealing with a sore back prior to the relay. I did what I needed to do and it was better; and I had a quick recovery after I was done with my legs. But the problem persisted a little; receded; resurfaced.

I've been on the fence about whether to let go of the half marathon goal or push through it. I've been doing massage and chiropractice and ibuprofen and strengthening/rehab stretches. Increase my walking and drop the focus on pace. Decrease my walking and focus on posture.

The pain was primarily coming with walking - after a mile or so. Sometimes an ache, a tightness, would continue afterwards - but the pain went away. Most of the time.

So my journey became a little different that Jenny's - I had to learn to adjust my activities by listening to my body. I had to not let my frustration become hopelessness or depression - which it can. Doing less walking, less moving, can stir those feelings, as well. So I pushed for 6 miles with a friend and I did it! The next week I was hurting more and only did 3 miles. Then I tapered back to 2 miles; which I did, muscles tightened, I stretched them out, finished up without pain. No pain - that was my goal.

With that I decided that it was better to let go of this marathon - half marathon - and listen inward. There will be other opportunities if I want to do it again. Right now I need to take it slow, build it up, and do other things. Swimming is back in my workouts. More stretching.

Right now the situation feels like a teeter-totter, because less activity has probably contributed to a weakened core, which contributes to some of the back pain. So the pain causes decreased activity - and so I go around the circle. The return to the pool will help. And I hope to get back to more walking - but, for now, it's a little at a time. Knowing when to push and when to pull, to walk upright, to swim, to lift weights or not.

Revise the goal. And keep moving. Keep writing. Keep creating. Because the creating happens even when I ache, when my back muscles burn, when I cry because all I could do was walk 2 miles. Sometimes writing involves the same revision of goals: if the story isn't working, put it on hold, try another point of view, kill off a character, work on the memoir.

Movement: of body, of words, in the flow.

Time: A Writer's Friend or Foe?

I've been experimenting recently with having one full day devoted to writing. Yes, I have to schedule the occasional chiropractic appointment or something on that sacred day once in a while - but, overall, everything I do is devoted to writing. Which includes actually writing!

And, as I've commented here before, it doesn't mean that I *only* write on that one day. But in this time of novel editing and revision, it is benefitting the progress of said novel by having one day where I know I have chunks of time to be with it and work through scene changes and make notes and research, and so on.

But I've been afraid of only working on the novel because, while I'm getting better at the editing a long piece of writing process, I still really like to write new material. Which is where the other days of the week come in. Or maybe even on my writing focused day if I have a deadline and need something new.

Then tonight I went online and stopped by my blog reader program and there is was. A post from WOW! about writing in bits and pieces. It's worth clicking on over to read - if you have short bits of time and wonder what you can truly do with only 10 minutes. Personally, I find it hard to get much editing done on a longer work in that time - but I can see some of their suggestions working out. And isn't it all a step along the path to shifting the balance of a writer's life to include more, well, writing!

Here is an excerpt, with a link below to the entire article.

What Can You Write in Ten Minutes?

There are some days when it feels like my writing time is divided into ten minutes segments. Ten minutes of writing then the washer buzzes. Ten minutes of writing then the UPS man is at the door. Ten minutes of writing then my stomach starts growling. Ten minutes of writing then the dog needs to be let out. After a few interruptions I’m ready to call it a day and head for the hammock. I needed a solution for days when I know there won’t be long chucks of uninterrupted writing time. And with three kids they are plenty of those!

Why not try writing magazine fillers?

Click here to read the entire post, full of ideas!

From WOW!: slowing down

Here is a link to a great article about slowing down in writing and how it sometimes takes illness to get us to pay attention (kind of like my lessons learned post - but with more reflection). And last week a wrote a piece about slowing down for my writing workshop... It's in the universe right now, apparently.

Enjoy:

WOW! Slow Down!